WWMGD

Sex Kitty

Dear Metal Gods,

When do I tell my boyfriend I’m super in love with him for the first time without sounding like a complete cheeseball?

Sincerely,
Sex Kitty

Dear Sex Kitty,

To discover when the best time to tell your boyfriend you love him is, you must first answer this question: when would you like him to tell you? Would it be at a romantic dinner? Or while watching a beautiful sunset? Or would it be as you are laying there safe in his arms basking in the inxoticating after-glow of the physical expression of your love? Ah, the last one you say? We thought so…… who wouldn’t you ask?

He wouldn’t!

The Metal Gods are here to inform you that all of the above mentioned situations (espically the last one) are TERRIBLE times for you to tell your boyfriend you’re “super in love with him” for the first time. An absolutely terrible idea! Quite possibly your worst idea in a long string of terrible ideas!

You see, when it comes to the relations between the sexes you need to do the opposite of what you would want done. You need to think about when HE would want to be told that you love him, NOT when YOU would want to be told!

So when would he want to hear it? Easily asnwered. What does your boyfriend like the most? SEX. No, no, no, not long walks on the beach or visting your parents for yet another awkward dinner at three in the afternoon on Sunday, no, no, just stop it. He likes SEX the best, but NEVER NEVER NEVER tell him for the first time AFTER you have sex with him! You must tell him just as you’re about to give him SEX, for right there is your golden moment of opportunity. In that instant he will be delighted to hear anything out of your mouth that doesn’t include the words “no”, “stop” or “STD”.

In the words of The Metal Gods Ratt from the song “The Morning After”:
“Lift your skirt lady, high in the night. I’m just what you need, Won’t you give it a try?”

WWMGD
www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Whacked in China

Dear Metal Gods,
    I’m going to china. I’ve been suffering from disordered eating for years and am finally getting the hang of it. But now that I’m getting the hang of it, I have to move to a new country with none of the food I currently eat readily available. This is driving me nuts because I’m scared I’ll fall off the wagon, get really fat, and then be so miserable I will want to kill myself.

Sincerely,
whack

Dear Whack,
The ignorance of youth is truly the sweetest bliss.  So much time and energy wasted on nothing. You see, are looking at this problem completely wrong. You don’t seem to understand that this move is best thing to ever happen to you.
You see, you believe that you will move to China and be cornered by Panda Express and P.F. Chang’s. You imagine you will have no other choices and will be seduced by barrels of sweet and sour sauce, tempted by the deep fried goodness of general Tao’s chicken, and overwhelmed by the mountains of yummy fortune cookies staring at you saying, “Come hither, just one little bite won’t hurt”.

Well, the Metal Gods are here to tell you none of this will happen.
Why not, you ask?
Silly silly child, because the deep fried, over salted, over sugared, cheap meat, MSG-laden slop that these restaurants serve in America bear little resemblance to actual Chinese food served in China.

You see my dear, in China vegetables are emphasized as the main part of a meal, the dishes are not “flash” cooked in vats of old oil, and the meal is usually served with green tea (which originated in China).  Thus you should have no troubles in China. Except for that whole Communist government, state-run media, no free speech, no human rights, disappearing journalist stuff, it should be a breeze.

From the song “I’m Insane” by the Metal Gods Ratt, we prescribe you the following daily affirmation to ease the transition to you new country:
“I’m headed for Lobotomy, and I’m begging them for more”

WWMGD

http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Passion or Stability

Dear Metal Gods,
I have been in a serious relationship for 5 years. it kinda started out with not the best chemistry, but everything else was great. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship so I thought that I just wasn’t into sex at that time or something and decided to be with this guy and hope that the future would bring us closer together physically.

I really love him very much, but there is no passion in our relationship. I have come to the point where all I think about is if I should stay with him where I am loved, and I will be safe, and have a good life with not a lot of sex, and not a lot of passion because I love him so much and don’t want to lose him. Or do I leave him and to find the passion I am looking for? Older people tell me that the passion eventually leaves, and a friendship is what remains.

Also, my man has a very hard time letting me go, I have tried breaking up and as weird as it sounds it doesn’t work. It probably doesn’t work because I am not fully into breaking up with him. I hate the thought of losing him, but I also hate the thought of secretly not being happy, or wanting to fuck every guy I meet. So do I figure out a way to make this work, or do I go? Help me metal gods. I don’t know that I will ever in my life find such a good man, and I tend to be attracted to losers. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Passion or Stability?

Dear Passion or Stability?,

Ahhh, the eternal struggle between love and lust once again acts out its sorted play upon the stage of humanity. Throughout the ages mortals have turned to the Metal Gods with the hope that we will give them the secret to bring peace between these warring brothers. But it is not that simple and we must confess it is not a problem that we have ever experienced, you see we Metal Gods have a much more… shall we say “evolved” attitude toward commitment and relationships. We have women that we love and women that we just lust after; the former remind us of our mothers, and the later are mostly strippers.
But alas we are not here to judge, it seems we are here to help you with your puritanical little messes.
So here it is. There is  only one course of action to take. You must split up for four months and abide by the following rules:

#1 -There shall be no communication between the two of you of any sort during this time!
No calling, emailing, texting, Im’ing, twittering, facebooking, sending messages through friends, NO direct or indirect communication of any kind, for any reason.

#2 - You shall sow your wild oats.
Sleep with whatever guys you want, get drunk and make out with one of your girlfriends, be the sex goddess you want to be.

#3 - He shall remain completely abstinent during this break.
No sexual contact with anyone at all for the full four months.

This will accomplish three things:
#1 - By being completely cut off from each other you will learn if you really love and need each other or it’s just a relationship of convenience.
#2 - By exercising your lust you will find out if there is indeed a lack of chemistry between you two or if you are just using him as an excuse for your own lack of sexual desire and competence.
#3 - If at the end four months of no sexual contact he’s not ripping off your clothes he’s either gay or needs to see a medical doctor immediately.

Remember in the words of the Metal Gods Van Halen from the song “Everybody Wants Some”:
“You can’t get romantic on a subway line, conductor don’t like it, says you’re wastin’ your time”

WWMGD

http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Jon + Kate Conflicted

Dear Metal Gods, 
Recently, I have been experiencing a crisis of conscience regarding my fandom of the television reality series Jon and Kate + 8. It is sort of the embodiment of all of my worst fears (imagine having 6 babies growing inside you and then having to take care of them for the rest of your life!?) but also, I’m kind of attached to the children as I feel like I’ve known them since they were 2 (they are 5 now).

When I first started watching the show I really loved it as it was interesting to watch people who were experiencing a totally different life from me navigate through their daily trials. Also, the kids were super cute and it’s been fascinating to watch their personalities evolve.

However, recently, it has become clear to be that the children are being exploited (though perhaps not intentionally so) and I worry that this much of their private lives (such as potty training) being made public will come back to haunt them later in life.
Also, it seems to me like Jon and Kate, who originally started with the best of intentions, have actually made a deal with the devil and in exchange for fame and fortune for themselves and their children they are unknowingly sacrificing their marriage and jeopardizing their future relationships with their children, as well as their children’s mental and physical health.  

I worry that watching this show makes me a hypocrite as I am not a fan of exploitation of children or adults, and I feel that by giving them my time and I attention I am only fattening their pocketbook and thereby contributing to what will clearly end only in tears for all concerned.  

The whole thing feels so biblical or Greek to me; doesn’t anyone recognize that this is clearly a morality tale, a warning to be careful what you wish for? And more importantly, do I have a moral obligation to stop watching the show? What should I do?

Sincerely,

Conflicted



Dear Conflicted,

Oh, what must it be like adrift in the dark stormy seas of your mind? How must it feel to be tossed and thrown about like a worn out rag doll by every fleeting thought and manic delusion? Good Metal God woman just how do you keep your head above the rising tide of your own neurotic manifestations? The Metal Gods read your question and worry not about these plus eight people but about you!

What should I do, about people on the TV?…That is what you ask The Metal Gods?!

The question is not what TO do but what NOT to do and not about the TV people but about you!

Don’t you realize you’re slipping off a thinning tight rope of sanity! Don’t you see the dark chasm of despair waiting for you below?

You must learn to control your undisciplined mind! You must tame that meddling genie and put it back in its bottle!

There is only one road of hope for you, only one course of action. You must starve that raging beast that is your mind into submission.

Thus, from now on: No more plus eight people, no more celebrity blah blah blah reality TV show, no more “My dad is a female transgender one armed priest midget prostitute,” and most importantly no more expending time and energy on people you meet on the TV!!!! The Metal Gods repeat: NO MORE EXPENDING TIME AND ENERGY ON PEOPLE YOU MEET ON THE TV!!!!!

Only if you break your addiction to shinny, loud, distracting, and empty things will you ever have even a remote chance for sanity.

In the words of the great Metal God Ronnie James Dio from the song “Don’t talk to Strangers”:

“Don’t dance in darkness you may stumble and you’re sure to fall”

WWMGD

http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Frustrated

Dear metal gods,
my roommate is being completely unreasonable. Her boyfriend is over every weekend, but I’m not allowed to have guests…ever (I had my girlfriend stay over one night and she totally flipped out on us the next day). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind that her boyfriend is here, I just want to have the same privilege. What should I do?

—frustrated


Dear Frustrated,
You sound like a sweet, unassuming, reasonable young man, and that is precisely your problem.
That, along with the fact that it is so easy for you mortals to assume everyone else is doing you wrong — she does this, he doesn’t do that… blah, blah, blah, that’s why my life isn’t exactly as I expected it to be blah, blah, blah… if you could only hear the constant drone of blame and complaints that we Metal Gods have to endure!

But alas, under our studded exterior we Metal Gods are a sympathetic kind so we will help you.
Here it is: your problem is not your roomate, your problem is you.
You must look inside yourself and determine why you think it’s ok for this person to treat you this way. Why is it ok with you that someone shackel your life with such demeaning rules and regulations?
Are you not worthy of the same privileges as she? Is your life and happiness in some way less important? Are you here merely to fill space?
Put another way, you need to grow a pair and stick up for yourself! You were not born into this life for the likes of her to wipe her feet on.
Once you respect and value yourself others will follow in your example and the problem will be solved by evolving yourself, not by trying to change another.

Your prescription from the Metal Gods is as follows:
Every morning when you wake and every evening before you pass out you need to look in the mirror, lock eyes with yourself and repeat the following affirmation of the Metal God Lita Ford from her song, “Kiss of Death”:
“I have no mercy, I tell no lies, I kiss the stranger and then watch them die”

WWMGD

www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

The Void

Dear Metal Gods,
I’m looking for insight into a phenomenon found in young males between the ages of 14 or so to at least 30 (I’m sure it stretches beyond that but I can’t personally claim any first hand knowledge).  I refer to this phenomenon as “disappearing into the Void”.  Where do they go, when you have dinner plans and they fail to show up and then don’t answer your calls or text messages for a year?  And then they suddenly reach out and act as if no time has passed at all?  What are they thinking?

Occasionally, when I receive a message from the Void, I try and lure said male back to reality by promising all sorts of delightful things, and the vast majority of the time even the most tempting offers don’t seem to have any effect.

When they are ready they emerge from the Void, and frequently have no concept of how much time has lapsed (“Its been a year since we last hung out? No, that can’t be right….”).  What are they doing there, and what is so alluring that all my offers of fun and pleasure can’t induce them out of it?  Do they really not understand how long its been, or are they merely saying that in an attempt to get out of trouble?

It is a mystery to me, but it is a mystery I have begun to accept as a reality— if only I could understand what was going on there a little better.  Maybe then I could approach the Void with more understanding and less rage?

please help.

Still On Planet Earth


Dear Still on Planet Earth,

It is clear to the Metal Gods that you have thought and thought and thought and discussed and thought and thought and considered and thought and thought and extrapolated and thought and thought and thought about this problem for far too long. You have dissected it down to it’s cellular level. Yet, clarity still alludes you?
The problem here is that you’re personal mix of neuroses and intelligence are leading you further from the truth instead of closer to it.
But fear not, the Metal Gods have taken pity upon you and have decided to tell you the simple truth about the Void.
Here it is, not to be fretted over, not to be discussed, and definitely not to be thought and thought and thought about.
OK….Deep breath….Here we go:
Some dudes are super flaky and unaware that their actions have any impact on anyone outside the realm of their own ego or immediate self interest.

No, No, No stop it!…Stop that crushing wave of thinking that is about to consume you! The Metal Gods can hear your mental gears grinding and see the smoke coming out of your ears from here.
Once again here it is: Some dudes are super flaky and unaware that their actions have any impact on anyone outside the realm of their own ego or immediate self interest.

You see it’s not that they dislike you, want to hurt you, or that you have do anything wrong it’s just that:
Some dudes are super flaky and unaware that their actions have any impact on anyone outside the realm of their own ego or immediate self interest.
It is simple, don’t make it complex, the Void doesn’t hate you, it’s just too self-involved to know you’re there.

In order to help sooth the choppy seas of your mental anguish The Metal Gods suggest you repeat the following sage Daily Affirmation first uttered by Metal Gods Ratt in their song “I’m Insane”:
“I’m heading for lobotomy, and I’m begging them for more”

WWMGD

http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Cross-Eyed

Dear Metal Gods:
I am confused.  Why are boys so stupid? They send mixed signals such as: Taking me out to fancy expensive dinners and then seeming disinterested in making out.  Finding excuses to hang with me but then inviting other people along at the last minute.  Saying sexually suggestive things and following that up with a reluctant “ok” to driving me home.

What is this? My friends suggest maybe he’s just clueless but it’s hard for me to believe even a boy could be that stupid.  What do I do, metal gods?  Me and a million other young women need to know.

love,
cross-eyed (Cross-eyed on behalf of a generation of baffled, angry, ladies)

Dear Cross-Eyed,

The Metal Gods can solve your dilemma in two simple steps:

Step #1:Stop dating boys who are gay, they are NOT interested in what you have in your pants.
Step #2: Repeat Step #1.

In the Words of the Metal Gods Judas Priest from their song “Eat Me Alive”
“I’m gonna force you at gun point to eat me alive”

WWMGD

www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Fat & Alone

Dear Metal God,
I try to live my life by the metal code. I go to shows, I rock out, I have even supported the ex boyfriends ass while he got his music career together. Somewhere along the line I crossed the line of rock chick to groupie and am now currently 6 months pregnant. Daddy to be is a rocker. I really don’t want to mess up his plans for his band (and also his girlfriend) by telling him. Am I being selfish by leaving him out of the picture and supporting this child myself?

Please help
Fat & alone


Dear Fat and Alone,
Although The Metal Gods have the answers to all of your problems we will not be sharing them with you. You see there is one law that even we the Metal Gods are not above. It is the law of “Metalious-Groupius-Sanctum” which states “No Metal Gods shall ever interfere in sacred relations between a metal guy and his groupie.” Punishment for violating this law is being stripped of one’s Metal God status and being placed amongst the mortals damned to live out a meaningless existence singing show tune versions of Milli Vanilli songs in an Ohio public theater group for the elderly and dentally challenged.

So remember, in the words of the Metal Gods Slayer from the song “Face the Slayer”:
“I am alive, you can’t kill me / I will survive eternity”

What Would A Metal God Do?

www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Heap of Metal

Dear Metal Gods:

I am a long time metal head who is now on the brink of turning 40. It has been more than 20 years since I hung up my thunderous bass (which I could barely play but still made me awesome) and I find myself a tired entrepreneur in a very un-sexy business. The riches I had planned to amass by taking the “practical” route in life have yet to materialize. I decided against the “get rich rockin’ or at least have fun along the way” path but am no better off as I enter middle age.

I can’t help but feel regret over being too much of a pansy to really try to be a monster of metal. What should I do now? Is it too late to fly with my sad wings of destiny?

-Grounded Heap of Metal


Dear Grounded Heap of Metal,

A man comes upon many crossroads in his life and the decisions he makes at these crossroads throw into motion countless repercussive waves that stream out in all directions for all of eternity. Your choice to hang up your thunderous bass and take the practical route is only one of many missteps you’ve undoubtedly made in this life.

Have you missed your chance to fly with your sad wings of destiny? Yes, yes you have. It is regrettable but it is the truth.

What should you do now? The answer is simple:

You must never look back again. From this point on the Metal Gods command you to only look forward!

Forget all of your youthful hopes, dreams and aspirations; they will only continue to erode what little hope you have left.

Forget your plans of sleeping with lingerie models and touring the world as a monster of metal, for it shall not happen.

Forget all the of the girls you never had the balls to ask out in high school even if time has taken its greedy toll on them and they are hitting you on facebook every night as they watch Dr. Phil re-runs and eat Cheetos. Forget becoming so rich you can fly your gold-plated helicopter over to your own private island.

None of these things can ever cross your mind again!

Instead you must focus on finding something new that will give your existence meaning. A new dream that will act as a beacon of hope to guide your weather beaten ship of a life into the safe harbors of satisfaction and fulfillment. Either do as the Metal Gods say or continue to live the slow death of the life that you are currently living.

In the words of the Metal Gods Electric Angels from the song “Head Above Water”:

“Some of my friends are dead, others have just stopped living.”

What Would A Metal God Do?

www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Mike Daly Reveals the Wisdom of the Metal Gods On Headbangers Blog!

http://headbangersblog.mtv.com/2009/01/19/guest-blog-whiskeytown-co-founder-mike-daly-explains-how-he-acquired-wisdom-of-the-metal-gods/