WWMGD: Archive

Loneliness

Dear Metal Gods, I’m so lonely and I have no friends, but I’m a cool person, what do I do? I’m so sad. Please help me! Loneliness Dear Loneliness, It pangs the Metal Gods’ hearts to hear of your mental misery. The Metal Gods have been told that loneliness is a truly dark place. Of course we Metal Gods have never experienced loneliness. Why would we? Between having you...

Jan 11th

Sex Kitty

Dear Metal Gods, When do I tell my boyfriend I’m super in love with him for the first time without sounding like a complete cheeseball? Sincerely, Sex Kitty Dear Sex Kitty, To discover when the best time to tell your boyfriend you love him is, you must first answer this question: when would you like him to tell you? Would it be at a romantic dinner? Or while watching a beautiful sunset?...

Oct 8th

Whacked in China

Dear Metal Gods, I’m going to china. I’ve been suffering from disordered eating for years and am finally getting the hang of it. But now that I’m getting the hang of it, I have to move to a new country with none of the food I currently eat readily available. This is driving me nuts because I’m scared I’ll fall off the wagon, get really fat, and then be so...

Aug 3rd

Passion or Stability

Dear Metal Gods, I have been in a serious relationship for 5 years. it kinda started out with not the best chemistry, but everything else was great. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship so I thought that I just wasn’t into sex at that time or something and decided to be with this guy and hope that the future would bring us closer together physically. I really love him very much, but...

Jul 10th

Jon + Kate Conflicted

Dear Metal Gods, Recently, I have been experiencing a crisis of conscience regarding my fandom of the television reality series Jon and Kate + 8. It is sort of the embodiment of all of my worst fears (imagine having 6 babies growing inside you and then having to take care of them for the rest of your life!?) but also, I’m kind of attached to the children as I feel like I’ve known...

Jun 16th

2 notes

Frustrated

Dear metal gods, my roommate is being completely unreasonable. Her boyfriend is over every weekend, but I’m not allowed to have guests…ever (I had my girlfriend stay over one night and she totally flipped out on us the next day). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind that her boyfriend is here, I just want to have the same privilege. What should I do? —frustrated Dear...

May 27th

The Void

Dear Metal Gods, I’m looking for insight into a phenomenon found in young males between the ages of 14 or so to at least 30 (I’m sure it stretches beyond that but I can’t personally claim any first hand knowledge). I refer to this phenomenon as “disappearing into the Void”. Where do they go, when you have dinner plans and they fail to show up and then don’t...

May 4th

Cross-Eyed

Dear Metal Gods: I am confused. Why are boys so stupid? They send mixed signals such as: Taking me out to fancy expensive dinners and then seeming disinterested in making out. Finding excuses to hang with me but then inviting other people along at the last minute. Saying sexually suggestive things and following that up with a reluctant “ok” to driving me home. What is this? My...

Mar 30th

1 note

Fat & Alone

Dear Metal God, I try to live my life by the metal code. I go to shows, I rock out, I have even supported the ex boyfriends ass while he got his music career together. Somewhere along the line I crossed the line of rock chick to groupie and am now currently 6 months pregnant. Daddy to be is a rocker. I really don’t want to mess up his plans for his band (and also his girlfriend) by telling...

Mar 9th

Heap of Metal

Dear Metal Gods: I am a long time metal head who is now on the brink of turning 40. It has been more than 20 years since I hung up my thunderous bass (which I could barely play but still made me awesome) and I find myself a tired entrepreneur in a very un-sexy business. The riches I had planned to amass by taking the “practical” route in life have yet to materialize. I decided against...

Feb 4th

Mike Daly Reveals the Wisdom of the Metal Gods On...

http://headbangersblog.mtv.com/2009/01/19/guest-blog-whiskeytown-co-founder-mike-daly-explains-how-he-acquired-wisdom-of-the-metal-gods/

Jan 20th

Worried

Dear Metal Gods, My long-haired metal head boyfriend recently moved to Hollywood to pursue his musical career. He practices all day everyday, and attends Musicians’ Institute right on Hollywood Blvd. I’m up here in San Francisco, and I can’t help but think that sluts, booze, and drugs are inevitable. Am I wrong? Worried Dear Worried, The Metal Gods are happy to inform...

Jan 20th

Bad Attitude

Dear Metal Gods, My husband didn’t tell his work that we are going on vacation to the Caribbean next week so he is bringing his laptop! How fun does that sound?! And the best part is that even if I am not around him while he is actually working I will get the joy of hearing all about his lame-ass, glass ½ empty, bullshit drama while I am on vacation. Please tell me what a metal god would do...

Jan 13th

"'Metal Gods' Author Reveals Rock's Inspirational... →

Jan 7th

Tears of Metal

Dude, my girlfriend broke up with me today because last night she wanted to listen to Winger while we did it and I put on “Hung, Drawn and Quarted” by Raven. Then when I came, we were doing it doggy-style, so I pulled out and yelled “Demon Seed Be Gone!” in my best King Diamond scream. She comes from a pretty strict christian family and was totally pissed at me and left...

Dec 31st

Deprived Child

Dear Metal Gods, I am a young deprived child whose parents hate her. I had the chance to go to Aruba (where I have never been) but no my parents decided to be selfish and not let me go! They claim it’s because they couldn’t go a week with out me….yeah right! I don’t believe them at all! My parents never let me go anywhere. I could be in Aruba right now or even the...

Dec 7th

Old-School Metal Man

I’m an old school metal man. I cut my teeth on Judas Priest, Sabbath, Dio, and Budgie. I found myself 48 and wanting a life. So I married my high school sweetheart. She is into country! I’ve been taking her to RUSH shows to make the transition to real Metal easier but she is resisting. Any ideas of how to kill the country out of her? AC/DC is touring! Dear Old School Metal Man, The...

Nov 18th

Metal Traitor

Dear Metal Traitor, Your answer to “Worth Fighting For” was a bogus misuse of your metal powers. You exposed one of our metal brothers to his not so smart girlfriend. Our tactics in maintaining unhealthy relationships must stay among us. How are we supposed to play with woman’s minds and get them to pay our rent and continue to sleep with us (even when we don’t have...

Nov 11th

Time Flies When You're in A Coma Available Today!

Dear Children of Metal, Time Flies When You’re in A Coma: The Wisdom of the Metal Gods is available today at all Book Stores! In these troubling times you NEED Time Flies When You’re in A Coma in order to survive. Buy Time Flies When You’re in A Coma or suffer the consequences! www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Oct 28th

Worth Fighting For

Dear Metal Gods, My boyfriend wants to go forward in our relationship but he is racked with guilt over his divorce- which was 6 years ago! Sometimes he is romantic and lavishes me with attention and other times he’ll go days without calling me. How do I deal with this? Do I wait it out and if so, for how long? He’s a great guy and I think this relationship is worth fighting for! Dear...

Oct 27th

Book Release Party! (make that partIES)

Can’t get enough of Time Flies When You’re in a Coma? Well it’s only getting better! Join us for one - or both - of the book release parties! Details below: Oct. 30th 7 pm - ??? Book Soup 8818 W Sunset Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90069 (310) 659-3110 All Ages!! Free Booze and Venom energy drinks!! Metal God confession booth!! Guest appearances!! Pre-Halloween...

Oct 22nd

Demon Child

Dear metal gods, I am desperate need of some good advice, I found my dad after 17 years of not speaking to him I love talking to him now and all and when we first started talking he told me how he was a born again Christian, but he said that this was not a big deal. However the more I talk to him the more I have noticed that this is in fact a big deal. He keeps mentioning how Christian he is and...

Oct 22nd

1 note

Old School Punk Boy Meets Death Metal Girl

Dear Metal Gods, I respect metal but I can’t listen to it for more than 5 minutes. Why is it that my ex-girlfriend who is very negative and depressed hangs out with death metal kids? They don’t help her with depression they just enjoy it with her. I wish I could help her out. I gave her all my bouncing soul cds and h2O cds and she didn’t like them because they were positive. I...

Oct 5th

Failing My Children

Dear Metal Gods, My family has been having serious problems lately, and I hope you can help me. It seems that lately my teenage children have been defying me every chance they get. They have been cutting school and getting into trouble every weekend. But what disturbs me the most is that while snooping through their rooms the other day, I found a collection of CDs such as Kayne West, and Little...

Sep 22nd

Marooned in Ohio

Dear Metal Gods, After many unsuccessful years as an accounts service manager at a paper products company, I finally decided to give it all up 2 years ago in order to pursue my life long dream of being a rock star guitarist playing on the biggest stages around the globe. At first my travels were new and exciting, and the rewards of the road were sweet. Huge parties, wild nights, free booze, and...

Sep 1st

NYC

Dear Metal God - I have a dilemma that needs your unparalleled wisdom. I have been working on a project (a world changing undertaking that could revolutionize the new age community and give support to millions of lost souls) that I care deeply about. However, I have decided to move to California. I am not sure how to divorce myself from this project without causing my partner irreparable...

Aug 4th

Injured Genius

Dear Metal God, I burnt my hands this morning with a hot cup of tea. This is a huge problem because now I cannot practice my arpeggios and it hurts to press down on my guitar neck even though it’s scalloped. Can you send your healing powers to my injured hands? My Charvel misses me. Also, since you are in heaven could you ask Randy Rhoads why he got into that plane with a guy who...

Jul 21st

Shell-shocked

Dear Metal Gods, I don’t know what to do about my girlfriend. I love her but every time we have the smallest disagreement she totally flips out. Last night she got so mad at me (over nothing) that she stole the keys for my car and proceeded to dump all the neighbors’ trash into the front the seats. It’s going to cost me a like $500.00 to get it cleaned up and get the stench out. What...

Jul 14th

Dominated

Dear Metal Gods, I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. At the start of the relationship he helped with the housework and was always kind and understanding. Over the last couple of years he has become more and more dominating. Last night when we had a dinner party for his friend from out of town. I asked for his help in the kitchen and, in front of his friend, he said ‘No, why...

Jul 7th

Unwanted and Long Winded

Wise Metal Gods, I have been quite troubled lately, and seek your advice. My brother moved across country several years ago, and I have not been able to visit him since then. Recently, an opportunity has come up that I may finally be able to visit. I contacted him with the news, expecting him to be happy to see me, but instead he seems to be avoiding me like the plague. He is not returning...

Jul 1st

Unappreciated

Help me Metal Gods….I have spent the past 15 years of my life taking care of my family, and I feel totally taken for granted. Its so depressing. How do I get them to appreciate all that I do for them? I am looking forward to being enlightened by your wisdom. unappreciated Dear Unappreciated, Consider this: do you wake up everyday and thank the heavens that you have two arms and two...

Jun 16th

Nameless

My boyfriend recently asked me to marry him and I freaked out! I am worried he just wants to marry me for my money. I haven’t given him my answer yet. What should I do?? Dear person with no name, What makes you think your boyfriend wants to marry you for your money? How much money can you really have? You apparently don’t even have a name. Or is it that you’re so dis-trustful...

Jun 9th

Awaiting Wisdom

Dear Metal Gods, Help! I have a hot lead to sell a manuscript to my publisher on the West Coast next week but my husband wants me to go on a family holiday instead. I know I can only pull off the deal if I take the publisher out to a lavish lunch. Time is of the essence. I’m really conflicted. What should I do? I await your wisdom… Caroline Dear Caroline, Being a Metal God,...

Jun 5th

Apr 30th