document.write('\x3cmeta http-equiv=\x22x-dns-prefetch-control\x22 content=\x22off\x22/\x3e\x3col class=\x22tumblr_posts\x22\x3e\x0a    \x0a        \x0a            \x3cli class=\x22tumblr_post tumblr_text_post\x22\x3e\x0a                \x0a                    \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_title\x22\x3eLoneliness\x3c/div\x3e\x0a                \x0a                \x0a                \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_body\x22\x3e\x0a                    \x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3eDear Metal Gods,\x3c/i\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3eI\x26#8217;m so lonely and I have no friends, but I\x26#8217;m a cool person, what do I do? I\x26#8217;m so sad.\x3c/i\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3ePlease help me!\x3c/i\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3eLoneliness\x3c/i\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x0a\x3cp\x3eDear Loneliness,\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eIt pangs the Metal Gods\x26#8217; hearts to hear of your mental misery. The Metal Gods have been told that loneliness is a truly dark place. Of course we Metal Gods have never experienced loneliness. Why would we? Between having you humans constantly worshipping us and the endless wine-soaked orgies, where would we find the time to get lonley? Nevertheless the Metal Gods will help you. Mere human, answer the Metal Gods this: Are all humans not alone inside their own heads?\x26#8230;. oh they are! Were you not born alone?\x26#8230; oh you were!\x26#8230; Will you not die alone?\x26#8230; oh you will! So what makes you so special that you think that you\u2019re the one human that doesn\u2019t deserve to be alone between birth and death?\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eYou see my \x26#8220;cool\x26#8221; friend, no one \x26#8220;owes\x26#8221; you happiness, no one \x26#8220;owes\x26#8221; you companionship, and no one \x26#8220;owes\x26#8221; you friendship. Mortal life doesn\x26#8217;t work that way. These are all conditions that you must create for yourself. You want friends? Go make some friends by being the friend you would want to have. You want happiness? Go do things that make you happy with or without anyone else. You want to stop being lonley? Stop moping around your basement obsessing about how lonely you are.\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eWe leave you with a Zen Question to ponder from the Metal Gods White Lion from their song \x26#8220;Don\x26#8217;t give up\x26#8221;:\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x26#8220;Are you fed up with your boring life?\x26#8221;\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3cb\x3eWWMGD\x3c/b\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ca\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3ewww.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a                \x3c/div\x3e\x0a            \x3c/li\x3e\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a\x0a                        \x0a    \x0a        \x0a            \x3cli class=\x22tumblr_post tumblr_text_post\x22\x3e\x0a                \x0a                    \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_title\x22\x3eSex Kitty\x3c/div\x3e\x0a                \x0a                \x0a                \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_body\x22\x3e\x0a                    \x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3eDear Metal Gods,\x3c/i\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3eWhen do I tell my boyfriend I\x26#8217;m super in love with him for the first time without sounding like a complete cheeseball?\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eSincerely,\x3cbr/\x3eSex Kitty\x3c/i\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x3c/i\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eDear Sex Kitty,\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eTo discover when the best time to tell your boyfriend you love him is, you must first answer this question: when would you like him to tell you? Would it be at a romantic dinner? Or while watching a beautiful sunset? Or would it be as you are laying there safe in his arms basking in the inxoticating after-glow of the physical expression of your love? Ah, the last one you say? We thought so\x26#8230;\x26#8230; \x3ci\x3ewho wouldn\x26#8217;t\x3c/i\x3e you ask?\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eHe wouldn\x26#8217;t!\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eThe Metal Gods are here to inform you that all of the above mentioned situations (espically the last one) are TERRIBLE times for you to tell your boyfriend you\x26#8217;re \x26#8220;super in love with him\x26#8221; for the first time. An absolutely terrible idea! Quite possibly your worst idea in a long string of terrible ideas!\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eYou see, when it comes to the relations between the sexes you need to do the \x3ci\x3eopposite\x3c/i\x3e of what you would want done. You need to think about when HE would want to be told that you love him, NOT when YOU would want to be told!\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eSo when would he want to hear it? Easily asnwered. What does your boyfriend like the most? SEX. No, no, no, not long walks on the beach or visting your parents for yet another awkward dinner at three in the afternoon on Sunday, no, no, just stop it. He likes SEX the best, but NEVER NEVER NEVER tell him for the first time AFTER you have sex with him! You must tell him just as you\x26#8217;re about to give him SEX, for right there is your golden moment of opportunity. In that instant he will be delighted to hear anything out of your mouth that doesn\x26#8217;t include the words \x26#8220;no\x26#8221;, \x26#8220;stop\x26#8221; or \x26#8220;STD\x26#8221;.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eIn the words of The Metal Gods Ratt from the song \x26#8220;The Morning After\x26#8221;:\x3cbr/\x3e\x26#8220;Lift your skirt lady, high in the night. I\x26#8217;m just what you need, Won\x26#8217;t you give it a try?\x26#8221;\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cb\x3eWWMGD\x3c/b\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x3ca\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3ewww.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a                \x3c/div\x3e\x0a            \x3c/li\x3e\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a\x0a                        \x0a    \x0a        \x0a            \x3cli class=\x22tumblr_post tumblr_text_post\x22\x3e\x0a                \x0a                    \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_title\x22\x3eWhacked in China\x3c/div\x3e\x0a                \x0a                \x0a                \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_body\x22\x3e\x0a                    \x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3eDear Metal Gods,\x3cbr/\x3e\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I\x26#8217;m going to china. I\x26#8217;ve been suffering from disordered eating for years and am finally getting the hang of it. But now that I\x26#8217;m getting the hang of it, I have to move to a new country with none of the food I currently eat readily available. This is driving me nuts because I\x26#8217;m scared I\x26#8217;ll fall off the wagon, get really fat, and then be so miserable I will want to kill myself. \x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eSincerely,\x3cbr/\x3ewhack\x3c/i\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eDear Whack,\x3cbr/\x3eThe ignorance of youth is truly the sweetest bliss.\u00a0 So much time and energy wasted on nothing. You see, are looking at this problem completely wrong. You don\x26#8217;t seem to understand that this move is best thing to ever happen to you. \x3cbr/\x3eYou see, you believe that you will move to China and\u00a0be cornered by Panda Express and P.F. Chang\x26#8217;s. You imagine you will have no other choices and will be seduced by barrels of sweet and sour sauce, tempted by the deep fried goodness of general Tao\x26#8217;s chicken, and overwhelmed by the mountains of yummy fortune cookies staring at you saying, \x26#8220;Come hither, just one little bite won\x26#8217;t hurt\x26#8221;.\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eWell, the Metal Gods are here to tell you none of this will happen.\x3cbr/\x3eWhy not, you ask? \x3cbr/\x3eSilly silly child, because the deep fried, over salted, over sugared, cheap meat, MSG-laden slop that these restaurants serve in America bear little resemblance to actual Chinese food served in China.\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eYou see my dear, in China vegetables are emphasized as the main part of a meal, the dishes are not \x26#8220;flash\x26#8221; cooked in vats of old oil, and the meal is usually served with green tea (which originated in China).\u00a0 Thus you should have no troubles in China. Except for that whole Communist government, state-run media, no free speech, no human rights, disappearing journalist stuff, it should be a breeze. \x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eFrom the song \x26#8220;I\x26#8217;m Insane\x26#8221; by the Metal Gods Ratt, we prescribe you the following daily affirmation to ease the transition to you new country:\x3cbr/\x3e\x26#8220;I\x26#8217;m headed for Lobotomy, and I\x26#8217;m begging them for more\x26#8221;\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3cb\x3eWWMGD\x3c/b\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3ehttp://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a                \x3c/div\x3e\x0a            \x3c/li\x3e\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a\x0a                        \x0a    \x0a        \x0a            \x3cli class=\x22tumblr_post tumblr_text_post\x22\x3e\x0a                \x0a                    \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_title\x22\x3ePassion or Stability\x3c/div\x3e\x0a                \x0a                \x0a                \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_body\x22\x3e\x0a                    \x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3eDear Metal Gods,\x3cbr/\x3eI have been in a serious relationship for 5 years. it kinda started out with not the best chemistry, but everything else was great. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship so I thought that I just wasn\x26#8217;t into sex at that time or something and decided to be with this guy and hope that the future would bring us closer together physically.\x3c/i\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3eI really love him very much, but there is no passion in our relationship. I have come to the point where all I think about is if I should stay with him where I am loved, and I will be safe, and have a good life with not a lot of sex, and not a lot of passion because I love him so much and don\x26#8217;t want to lose him. Or do I leave him and to find the passion I am looking for? Older people tell me that the passion eventually leaves, and a friendship is what remains.\x3c/i\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3eAlso, my man has a very hard time letting me go, I have tried breaking up and as weird as it sounds it doesn\x26#8217;t work. It probably doesn\x26#8217;t work because I am not fully into breaking up with him. I hate the thought of losing him, but I also hate the thought of secretly not being happy, or wanting to fuck every guy I meet. So do I figure out a way to make this work, or do I go? Help me metal gods. I don\x26#8217;t know that I will ever in my life find such a good man, and I tend to be attracted to losers. What do I do?\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eSincerely, \x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3ePassion or Stability?\x3c/i\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eDear Passion or Stability?,\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eAhhh, the eternal struggle between love and lust once again acts out its sorted play upon the stage of humanity. Throughout the ages mortals have turned to the Metal Gods with the hope that we will give them the secret to bring peace between these warring brothers. But it is not that simple and we must confess it is not a problem that we have ever experienced, you see we Metal Gods have a much more\x26#8230; shall we say \x26#8220;evolved\x26#8221; attitude toward commitment and relationships. We have women that we love and women that we just lust after; the\u00a0former remind us of our mothers, and the later are mostly strippers. \x3cbr/\x3eBut alas we are not here to judge, it seems we are here to help you with your puritanical little messes.\x3cbr/\x3eSo here it is. There is\u00a0 only one course of action to take. You must split up for four months and abide by the following rules:\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e#1 -There shall be no communication between the two of you of any sort during this time!\x3cbr/\x3eNo calling, emailing, texting, Im\x26#8217;ing, twittering, facebooking, sending messages through friends, NO direct or indirect communication of any kind, for any reason.\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e#2 - You shall sow your wild oats.\x3cbr/\x3eSleep with whatever guys you want, get drunk and make out with one of your girlfriends, be the sex goddess you want to be.\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e#3 - He shall remain completely abstinent during this break.\x3cbr/\x3eNo sexual contact with anyone at all for the full four months.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eThis will accomplish three things:\x3cbr/\x3e#1 - By being completely cut off from each other you will learn if you really love and need each other or it\x26#8217;s just a relationship of convenience.\x3cbr/\x3e#2 - By exercising your lust you will find out if there is indeed a lack of chemistry between you two or if you are just using him as an excuse for your own lack of sexual desire and competence.\x3cbr/\x3e#3 - If at the end four months of no sexual contact he\x26#8217;s not ripping off your clothes he\x26#8217;s either gay or needs to see a medical doctor immediately.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eRemember in the words of the Metal Gods Van Halen from the song \x26#8220;Everybody Wants Some\x26#8221;:\x3cbr/\x3e\x26#8220;You can\x26#8217;t get romantic on a subway line, conductor don\x26#8217;t like it, says you\x26#8217;re wastin\x26#8217; your time\x26#8221;\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3cb\x3eWWMGD\x3c/b\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3ehttp://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a                \x3c/div\x3e\x0a            \x3c/li\x3e\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a\x0a                        \x0a    \x0a        \x0a            \x3cli class=\x22tumblr_post tumblr_text_post\x22\x3e\x0a                \x0a                    \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_title\x22\x3eJon + Kate Conflicted\x3c/div\x3e\x0a                \x0a                \x0a                \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_body\x22\x3e\x0a                    \x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3eDear Metal Gods,\u00a0\x3cbr/\x3eRecently, I have been experiencing a crisis of conscience regarding my fandom of the television reality series Jon and Kate + 8.  It is sort of the embodiment of all of my worst fears (imagine having 6 babies growing inside you and then having to take care of them for the rest of your life!?) but also, I\x26#8217;m kind of attached to the children as I feel like I\x26#8217;ve known them since they were 2 (they are 5 now).\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eWhen I first started watching the show I really loved it as it was interesting to watch people who were experiencing a totally different life from me navigate through their daily trials.  Also, the kids were super cute and it\u2019s been fascinating to watch their personalities evolve.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eHowever, recently, it has become clear to be that the children are being exploited (though perhaps not intentionally so) and I worry that this much of their private lives (such as potty training) being made public will come back to haunt them later in life.\x3cbr/\x3eAlso, it seems to me like Jon and Kate, who originally started with the best of intentions, have actually made a deal with the devil and in exchange for fame and fortune for themselves and their children they are unknowingly sacrificing their marriage and jeopardizing their future relationships with their children, as well as their children\x26#8217;s mental and physical health. \u00a0\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eI worry that watching this show makes me a hypocrite as I am not a fan of exploitation of children or adults, and I feel that by giving them my time and I attention I am only fattening their pocketbook and thereby contributing to what will clearly end only in tears for all concerned. \u00a0\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eThe whole thing feels so biblical or Greek to me; doesn\x26#8217;t anyone recognize that this is clearly a morality tale, a warning to be careful what you wish for?  And more importantly, do I have a moral obligation to stop watching the show?  What should I do?\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eSincerely,\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eConflicted\x3c/i\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eDear Conflicted,\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eOh, what must it be like adrift in the dark stormy seas of your mind? How must it feel to be tossed and thrown about like a worn out rag doll by every fleeting thought and manic delusion?  Good Metal God woman just how do you keep your head above the rising tide of your own neurotic manifestations? The Metal Gods read your question and worry not about these plus eight people but about you!\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eWhat should I do, about people on the TV?\x26#8230;That is what you ask The Metal Gods?!\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eThe question is not what TO do but what NOT to do and not about the TV people but about you!\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eDon\u2019t you realize you\u2019re slipping off a thinning tight rope of sanity! Don\u2019t you see the dark chasm of despair waiting for you below?\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eYou must learn to control your undisciplined mind! You must tame that meddling genie and put it back in its bottle!\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eThere is only one road of hope for you, only one course of action. You must starve that raging beast that is your mind into submission.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eThus, from now on: No more plus eight people, no more celebrity blah blah blah reality TV show, no more \u201cMy dad is a female transgender one armed  priest midget prostitute,\x26#8221; and most importantly no more expending time and energy on people you meet on the TV!!!!  The Metal Gods repeat: NO MORE EXPENDING TIME AND ENERGY ON PEOPLE YOU MEET ON THE TV!!!!!\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eOnly if you break your addiction to shinny, loud, distracting, and empty things will you ever have even a remote chance for sanity.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eIn the words of the great Metal God Ronnie James Dio from the song \u201cDon\u2019t talk to Strangers\u201d:\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\u201cDon\u2019t dance in darkness you may stumble and you\u2019re sure to fall\u201d\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3cb\x3eWWMGD\x3c/b\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3ehttp://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a                \x3c/div\x3e\x0a            \x3c/li\x3e\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a\x0a                        \x0a    \x0a        \x0a            \x3cli class=\x22tumblr_post tumblr_text_post\x22\x3e\x0a                \x0a                    \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_title\x22\x3eFrustrated\x3c/div\x3e\x0a                \x0a                \x0a                \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_body\x22\x3e\x0a                    \x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3eDear metal gods,\x3cbr/\x3emy roommate is being completely unreasonable. Her boyfriend is over every weekend, but I\x26#8217;m not allowed to have guests\x26#8230;ever (I had my girlfriend stay over one night and she totally flipped out on us the next day). Don\x26#8217;t get me wrong, I don\x26#8217;t mind that her boyfriend is here, I just want to have the same privilege. What should I do?\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x26#8212;frustrated\x3c/i\x3e \x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eDear Frustrated,\x3cbr/\x3eYou sound like a sweet, unassuming, reasonable young man, and that is precisely your problem.\x3cbr/\x3eThat, along with the fact that it is so easy for you mortals to assume everyone else is doing you wrong \x26#8212; she does this, he doesn\x26#8217;t do that\x26#8230; blah, blah, blah, that\x26#8217;s why my life isn\x26#8217;t exactly as I expected it to be blah, blah, blah\x26#8230; if you could only hear the constant drone of blame and complaints that we Metal Gods have to endure!\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eBut alas, under our studded exterior we Metal Gods are a sympathetic kind so we will help you.\x3cbr/\x3eHere it is: your problem is not your roomate, your problem is you.\x3cbr/\x3eYou must look inside yourself and determine why you think it\x26#8217;s ok for this person to treat you this way. Why is it ok with you that someone shackel your life with such demeaning rules and regulations?\x3cbr/\x3eAre you not worthy of the same privileges as she? Is your life and happiness in some way less important? Are you here merely to fill space?\x3cbr/\x3ePut another way, you need to grow a pair and stick up for yourself! You were not born into this life for the likes of her to wipe her feet on.\x3cbr/\x3eOnce you respect and value yourself others will follow in your example and the problem will be solved by evolving yourself, not by trying to change another.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eYour prescription from the Metal Gods is as follows:\x3cbr/\x3eEvery morning when you wake and every evening before you pass out you need to look in the mirror, lock eyes with yourself and repeat the following affirmation of the Metal God Lita Ford from her song, \x26#8220;Kiss of Death\x26#8221;:\x3cbr/\x3e\x26#8220;I have no mercy, I tell no lies, I kiss the stranger and then watch them die\x26#8221;\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3cb\x3eWWMGD\x3c/b\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ca target=\x22_blank\x22 href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3ewww.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a                \x3c/div\x3e\x0a            \x3c/li\x3e\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a\x0a                        \x0a    \x0a        \x0a            \x3cli class=\x22tumblr_post tumblr_text_post\x22\x3e\x0a                \x0a                    \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_title\x22\x3eThe Void\x3c/div\x3e\x0a                \x0a                \x0a                \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_body\x22\x3e\x0a                    \x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3eDear Metal Gods,\x3cbr/\x3eI\x26#8217;m looking for insight into a phenomenon found in young males between the ages of 14 or so to at least 30 (I\x26#8217;m sure it stretches beyond that but I can\x26#8217;t personally claim any first hand knowledge).\u00a0 I refer to this phenomenon as \x26#8220;disappearing into the Void\x26#8221;.\u00a0 Where do they go, when you have dinner plans and they fail to show up and then don\x26#8217;t answer your calls or text messages for a year?\u00a0 And then they suddenly reach out and act as if no time has passed at all?\u00a0 What are they thinking?\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eOccasionally, when I receive a message from the Void, I try and lure said male back to reality by promising all sorts of delightful things, and the vast majority of the time even the most tempting offers don\x26#8217;t seem to have any effect.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eWhen they are ready they emerge from the Void, and frequently have no concept of how much time has lapsed (\x26#8220;Its been a year since we last hung out? No, that can\x26#8217;t be right\x26#8230;.\x26#8221;).\u00a0 What are they doing there, and what is so alluring that all my offers of fun and pleasure can\x26#8217;t induce them out of it?\u00a0 Do they really not understand how long its been, or are they merely saying that in an attempt to get out of trouble?\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eIt is a mystery to me, but it is a mystery I have begun to accept as a reality\x26#8212; if only I could understand what was going on there a little better.\u00a0 Maybe then I could approach the Void with more understanding and less rage?\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eplease help.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eStill On Planet Earth\x3cbr/\x3e\x3c/i\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eDear Still on Planet Earth,\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eIt is clear to the Metal Gods that you have thought and thought and thought and discussed and thought and thought and considered and thought and thought and extrapolated and thought and thought and thought about this problem for far too long. You have dissected it down to it\x26#8217;s cellular level. Yet, clarity still alludes you?\x3cbr/\x3eThe problem here is that you\x26#8217;re personal mix of neuroses and intelligence are leading you further from the truth instead of closer to it.\x3cbr/\x3eBut fear not, the Metal Gods have taken pity upon you and have decided to tell you the simple truth about the Void.\x3cbr/\x3eHere it is, not to be fretted over, not to be discussed, and definitely not to be thought and thought and thought about.\x3cbr/\x3eOK\x26#8230;.Deep breath\x26#8230;.Here we go:\x3cbr/\x3eSome dudes are super flaky and unaware that their actions have any impact on anyone outside the realm of their own ego or immediate self interest.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eNo, No, No stop it!\x26#8230;Stop that crushing wave of thinking that is about to consume you! The Metal Gods can hear your mental gears grinding and see the smoke coming out of your ears from here. \x3cbr/\x3eOnce again here it is: Some dudes are super flaky and unaware that their actions have any impact on anyone outside the realm of their own ego or immediate self interest.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eYou see it\x26#8217;s not that they dislike you, want to hurt you, or that you have do anything wrong it\x26#8217;s just that:\x3cbr/\x3eSome dudes are super flaky and unaware that their actions have any impact on anyone outside the realm of their own ego or immediate self interest.\x3cbr/\x3eIt is simple, don\x26#8217;t make it complex, the Void doesn\x26#8217;t hate you, it\x26#8217;s just too self-involved to know you\x26#8217;re there.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eIn order to help sooth the choppy seas of your mental anguish The Metal Gods suggest you repeat the following sage Daily Affirmation first uttered by Metal Gods Ratt in their song \x26#8220;I\x26#8217;m Insane\x26#8221;:\x3cbr/\x3e\x26#8220;I\x26#8217;m heading for lobotomy, and I\x26#8217;m begging them for more\x26#8221;\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3cb\x3eWWMGD\x3c/b\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3ehttp://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a                \x3c/div\x3e\x0a            \x3c/li\x3e\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a\x0a                        \x0a    \x0a        \x0a            \x3cli class=\x22tumblr_post tumblr_text_post\x22\x3e\x0a                \x0a                    \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_title\x22\x3eCross-Eyed\x3c/div\x3e\x0a                \x0a                \x0a                \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_body\x22\x3e\x0a                    \x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3eDear Metal Gods:\x3cbr/\x3eI am confused.\u00a0 Why are boys so stupid? They send mixed signals such as: Taking me out to fancy expensive dinners and then seeming disinterested in making out.\u00a0 Finding excuses to hang with me but then inviting other people along at the last minute.\u00a0 Saying sexually suggestive things and following that up with a reluctant \x26#8220;ok\x26#8221; to driving me home.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eWhat is this? My friends suggest maybe he\x26#8217;s just clueless but it\x26#8217;s hard for me to believe even a boy could be that stupid.\u00a0 What do I do, metal gods?\u00a0 Me and a million other young women need to know.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3elove,\x3cbr/\x3ecross-eyed (Cross-eyed on behalf of a generation of baffled, angry, ladies) \x3c/i\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eDear Cross-Eyed,\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eThe Metal Gods can solve your dilemma in two simple  steps:\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eStep #1:Stop dating boys who are gay, they are NOT interested in what you have in your pants.\x3cbr/\x3eStep #2: Repeat Step #1.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eIn the Words of the Metal Gods Judas Priest from their song \x26#8220;Eat Me Alive\x26#8221;\x3cbr/\x3e\x26#8220;I\x26#8217;m gonna force you at gun point to eat me alive\x26#8221;\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3cb\x3eWWMGD\x3c/b\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3ewww.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a                \x3c/div\x3e\x0a            \x3c/li\x3e\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a\x0a                        \x0a    \x0a        \x0a            \x3cli class=\x22tumblr_post tumblr_text_post\x22\x3e\x0a                \x0a                    \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_title\x22\x3eFat \x26amp; Alone\x3c/div\x3e\x0a                \x0a                \x0a                \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_body\x22\x3e\x0a                    \x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3eDear Metal God,\x3cbr/\x3eI try to live my life by the metal code. I go to shows, I rock out, I have even supported the ex boyfriends ass while he got his music career together. Somewhere along the line I crossed the line of rock chick to groupie and am now currently 6 months pregnant. Daddy to be is a rocker. I really don\x26#8217;t want to mess up his plans for his band (and also his girlfriend) by telling him. Am I being selfish by leaving him out of the picture and supporting this child myself?\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3ePlease help\x3cbr/\x3eFat \x26amp; alone\x3c/i\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eDear Fat and Alone,\x3cbr/\x3e Although The Metal Gods have the answers to all of your problems we will not be sharing them with you. You see there is one law that even we the Metal Gods are not above. It is the law of \x26#8220;Metalious-Groupius-Sanctum\x26#8221; which states \x26#8220;No Metal  Gods shall ever interfere in sacred relations between a metal guy and his groupie.\x26#8221; Punishment for violating this law is being stripped of one\x26#8217;s Metal God status and being placed amongst the mortals damned to live out a meaningless existence singing show tune versions of Milli Vanilli songs in an Ohio public theater group for the elderly and dentally challenged.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eSo remember, in the words of the Metal Gods Slayer from the song \x26#8220;Face the Slayer\x26#8221;:\x3cbr/\x3e\x26#8220;I am alive, you can\x26#8217;t kill me / I will survive eternity\x26#8221;\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3cb\x3eWhat Would A Metal God Do?\x3c/b\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3ewww.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a                \x3c/div\x3e\x0a            \x3c/li\x3e\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a\x0a                        \x0a    \x0a        \x0a            \x3cli class=\x22tumblr_post tumblr_text_post\x22\x3e\x0a                \x0a                    \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_title\x22\x3eHeap of Metal\x3c/div\x3e\x0a                \x0a                \x0a                \x3cdiv class=\x22tumblr_body\x22\x3e\x0a                    \x3cp\x3e\x3ci\x3eDear Metal Gods:\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eI am a long time metal head who is now on the brink of turning 40.\u00a0It has been more than 20 years since I hung up my thunderous bass (which I could barely play but still made me awesome) and I find myself a tired entrepreneur in a very un-sexy business. The riches I had planned to amass by taking the \x26#8220;practical\x26#8221; route in life have yet to materialize. I decided against the \x26#8220;get rich rockin\x26#8217; or at least have fun along the way\x26#8221; path but am no better off as I enter middle age.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eI can\x26#8217;t help but feel regret over being too much of a pansy to really try to be a monster of metal.\u00a0What should I do now? Is it too late to fly with my sad wings of destiny?\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e-Grounded Heap of Metal\x3c/i\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eDear Grounded Heap of Metal,\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eA man comes upon many crossroads in his life and the decisions he makes at these crossroads throw into motion countless repercussive waves that stream out in all directions for all of eternity. Your choice to hang up your thunderous bass and take the practical route is only one of many missteps you\x26#8217;ve undoubtedly made in this life.\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eHave you missed your chance to fly with your sad wings of destiny? Yes, yes you have. It is regrettable but it is the truth.\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eWhat should you do now? The answer is simple:\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eYou must never look back again. From this point on the Metal Gods command you to only look forward!\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eForget all of your youthful hopes, dreams and aspirations; they will only continue to erode what little hope you have left.\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eForget your plans of sleeping with lingerie models and touring the world as a monster of metal, for it shall not happen.\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eForget all the of the girls you never had the balls to ask out in high school even if time has taken its greedy toll on them and they are hitting you on facebook every night as they watch Dr. Phil re-runs and eat Cheetos. Forget becoming so rich you can fly your gold-plated helicopter over to your own private island.\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eNone of these things can ever cross your mind again!\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3eInstead you must focus on finding something new that will give your existence meaning. A new dream that will act as a beacon of hope to guide your weather beaten ship of a life into the safe harbors of satisfaction and fulfillment. Either do as the Metal Gods say or continue to live the slow death of\u00a0the life that you are currently living.\x3cbr/\x3e\x3cbr/\x3eIn the words of the Metal Gods Electric Angels from the song \x26#8220;Head Above Water\x26#8221;:\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x26#8220;Some of my friends are dead, others have just stopped living.\x26#8221;\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3cb\x3eWhat Would A Metal God Do?\x3c/b\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a\x3cp\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3e\x3ca href=\x22http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x22\x3ewww.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/a\x3e\x3c/p\x3e\x0a                \x3c/div\x3e\x0a            \x3c/li\x3e\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a\x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a        \x0a\x0a                        \x0a    \x0a\x3c/ol\x3e');