3rd
Whacked in China
Dear Metal Gods,
I’m going to china. I’ve been suffering from disordered eating for years and am finally getting the hang of it. But now that I’m getting the hang of it, I have to move to a new country with none of the food I currently eat readily available. This is driving me nuts because I’m scared I’ll fall off the wagon, get really fat, and then be so miserable I will want to kill myself.
Sincerely,
whack
Dear Whack,
The ignorance of youth is truly the sweetest bliss. So much time and energy wasted on nothing. You see, are looking at this problem completely wrong. You don’t seem to understand that this move is best thing to ever happen to you.
You see, you believe that you will move to China and be cornered by Panda Express and P.F. Chang’s. You imagine you will have no other choices and will be seduced by barrels of sweet and sour sauce, tempted by the deep fried goodness of general Tao’s chicken, and overwhelmed by the mountains of yummy fortune cookies staring at you saying, “Come hither, just one little bite won’t hurt”.
Well, the Metal Gods are here to tell you none of this will happen.
Why not, you ask?
Silly silly child, because the deep fried, over salted, over sugared, cheap meat, MSG-laden slop that these restaurants serve in America bear little resemblance to actual Chinese food served in China.
You see my dear, in China vegetables are emphasized as the main part of a meal, the dishes are not “flash” cooked in vats of old oil, and the meal is usually served with green tea (which originated in China). Thus you should have no troubles in China. Except for that whole Communist government, state-run media, no free speech, no human rights, disappearing journalist stuff, it should be a breeze.
From the song “I’m Insane” by the Metal Gods Ratt, we prescribe you the following daily affirmation to ease the transition to you new country:
“I’m headed for Lobotomy, and I’m begging them for more”
WWMGD
