14th
Shell-shocked
Dear Metal Gods,
I don’t know what to do about my girlfriend. I love her but every time we have the smallest disagreement she totally flips out. Last night she got so mad at me (over nothing) that she stole the keys for my car and proceeded to dump all the neighbors’ trash into the front the seats. It’s going to cost me a like $500.00 to get it cleaned up and get the stench out. What should I do?
Shell-shocked
Dear Shell-shocked,
Three things are apparent to the Metal Gods:
#1 your girlfriend must by extremely hot because:
#2 she seems extremely crazy and:
#3 no one would stay with an extremely crazy girl unless she was also extremely hot.
Simply put, the law of Psycho-hottitude-continuance states:
“A woman’s hotness must always be equal to or greater than the level of her craziness in order for a relationship to continue”. Thus: All crazy and not hot? not gonna last. All hot and not crazy? can’t exist.
You may feel trapped in a cage, but you’re missing the golden opportunity that’s right in front of you. You see, every one of your crazy girlfriend’s irrational outbursts brings with it a wonderful gift, and that is the gift of “make up sex”.
And as the law of Equilibrius-make-up-sexus states: “The adventurousness and overall hotness of the make up sex will always be equal to or greater than the episode causing the need for the initiation of said make up sex.”
So remember, once your girlfriend stops lighting fires and throwing around steak knives, the make up sex is imminent and the new sexual menu is now both greatly expanded and yours for the taking. So to you, my friend, I say order whatever and as much as your battered state of mind and war-worn hormones desire.
In the words of the Immortal Metal Gods W.A.S.P. from their song “Sex Drive”:
“Like A Dog in Heat All Dirty Love is a Treat”
What Would A Metal God Do?
