1st
Marooned in Ohio
Dear Metal Gods,
After many unsuccessful years as an accounts service manager at a paper products company, I finally decided to give it all up 2 years ago in order to pursue my life long dream of being a rock star guitarist playing on the biggest stages around the globe. At first my travels were new and exciting, and the rewards of the road were sweet. Huge parties, wild nights, free booze, and easy women were everwhere and I was on my way to earning my rock star stripes. But recently a troubling phenomenon has been occurring. It seems that no matter how far away I travel I’m always ending up back in…Ohio!!! Toledo, Cleveland, Cincinnati…it doesn’t matter if it’s a gig day or a day off. It’s always Ohio,Ohio,Ohio! Ugh!!! I can’t take it anymore. I can’t help but feel that somewhere along the way I must of done something really terrible to piss off the metal gods and this is their way of punishing me. How can I make my peace with the Metal Gods and finally get out of ohio?
Marooned in Ohio
Dear Marooned,
Before today you had done nothing to offend the Metal Gods, in fact we were completely unaware of your very existance. But now your sniveling plea for help has unfortunately gotten our attention.We have looked at your life, and have finally stopped laughing, so let us tell you what we saw:
Two years ago the only thing you had to do on a friday night was watch tivo’d episodes of desperate housewives, no “huge parties” back then.
Two years ago a “wild night” consisted of you super sizing your fries at McDonalds on your lonesome drive home.
Two years ago there wasn’t any “free booze” flowing, in fact you’d have to save all week to just afford a warm can of beer with a label that was written in english on it!
And were there any “easy woman” around two years ago? No,no,no, back then the closest you’d even gotten to a naked woman was bumping into a rack of bra’s at Wal-Mart!
Oh, but you have to spend you days off in Ohio! Boo-hoo! We mock you!Many Metal Gods better than yourself have earned their strips on the stages of such places as The Grog Shop, Peabodys and the Agora Theater, all which happen to be in Ohio.
The choice before you is clear, stop complaining and grow a pair or, go back to your pitiful pre-metal existence!
In the words of the Metal Gods Ac / Dc “It’s a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll”.
What Would A Metal God Do?
