22nd
Failing My Children
Dear Metal Gods,
My family has been having serious problems lately, and I hope you can help me. It seems that lately my teenage children have been defying me every chance they get. They have been cutting school and getting into trouble every weekend. But what disturbs me the most is that while snooping through their rooms the other day, I found a collection of CDs such as Kayne West, and Little Wayne!!! I couldnt believe it! Of course I confiscated all of their Rap paraphanialia, but how can I get them to change their ways? Have all my years of teaching them to apprectiate all that is Metal gone down the drain? I feel like I have failed my children. Please help me!
Failing my children
Dear Failing,
Now is not the time for you to lose heart in your efforts to raise your children in the sacred tradition of Metal! You must realize that you are engaged in the most important battle of our time! For this is a great and holy battle in which the spoils are no less than the very souls of our children!
Now that the gravity of the situation is clear you must realize that Rap music is obviously the reason your children are acting out; what else could it possibly be? Bad parenting, the internets, disenfranchised teachers, a society that caters to the lowest common denominator, national leadership based on greed, violence and fear, experimentation with drugs and alcohol, new and confusing sexual feelings, hormonal imbalances in their teenage brains that they can’t control, social pressures to be noticed by others, or the natural teenage course of testing boundaries and limits to develop one’s own identity?
NO, NO, NO, it must be the Rap music.
The Metal Gods feel compelled to help you in your battle.
You must understand that teenage children are in a constant state of rebellion, thus their listening to the rap music doesn’t mean they like that noise; it’s merely a thinly veiled revolt against you and your music.
Knowing that, your plan of action is simple. You must return all their rap paraphernalia and, as distasteful as it is, firmly embrace Rap yourself. You must publicly swear off all things Metal. Once your children see you condoning Rap they will then naturally rebel against you again and embrace the Metal of which you now seem to disapprove. Furthermore, you must keep up your public displays of affection for rap until your children have become so entrenched in the ways of Metal they’ll never find their way out.
Once your children are back on a healthy diet of Metal, all of their troubles will vanish as quickly as M.C. Hammer’s money did.
Remember, brave warrior: you are fighting for your children’s very souls.
As told by the great Metal Gods, Slayer, in the song The Final Command:
“Cursed are the souls who defy his will, all of which are tortured and ruthlessly killed”
What Would a Metal God Do?
