5th
Old School Punk Boy Meets Death Metal Girl
Dear Metal Gods,
I respect metal but I can’t listen to it for more than 5 minutes. Why is it that my ex-girlfriend who is very negative and depressed hangs out with death metal kids? They don’t help her with depression they just enjoy it with her. I wish I could help her out. I gave her all my bouncing soul cds and h2O cds and she didn’t like them because they were positive. I probably already know what I should do but I like second opinions from my computer. She is a great person but I can’t help her if she don’t seem to wanna get help. She is not the girl who would go hooking up either so don’t assume that.
Dear Nameless,
Old school punk boy meets death metal girl, old school punk boy and death metal girl hang out, old school punk boy and death metal girl split up, old school punk boy decides that death metal girl has problems and takes it upon himself to save death metal girl. It’s a story that’s older than time itself.
You see, young Sky-Walker, your impression that listening to Metal and hanging out with death metal kids is causing your girlfriend’s negativity and depression is totally false and an insult to the very Metal Gods from whom you seek help! Do you not see that the only thing keeping your ex-girlfriend from slipping into the abyss is the warm cradle of Metal? For it is her only protection against the harsh realities of your mortal lives. What should you do, you ask? Try something new. Try doing nothing, try leaving her alone. If she needs your help she must seek it from you herself. You cannot hold her head under the water of your good intentions like a modern day Jimmy Swaggart baptizing a hooker in a motel bath tub.
In the words of the Metal Gods Anthrax, from the song Make Me Laugh:
“Jesus Saves, But Only After I’ve Been Paid”
What Would A Metal God Do?
