18th
Old-School Metal Man
I’m an old school metal man. I cut my teeth on Judas Priest, Sabbath, Dio, and Budgie. I found myself 48 and wanting a life. So I married my high school sweetheart. She is into country! I’ve been taking her to RUSH shows to make the transition to real Metal easier but she is resisting. Any ideas of how to kill the country out of her? AC/DC is touring!
Dear Old School Metal Man,
The Metal Gods are flooded with questions about domestic problems, the most disturbing of which are the ones that include the “C” word: Country. Before the Metal Gods help you, you must be forewarned that this is a dangerous transformation you’re attempting on your wife; a transformation that could go horribly, horribly wrong. One mis-step and you could wind up worse off than you are now! Imagine a wife who likes some abomination of music worse than Country! Yes you read that correctly - “WORSE THAN COUNRTY”! What if you came home after a hard day of work to your wife cranking some White-Christian-Drum Circle-Funk! Good Metal Gods what would you do? Why, you’d have no choice but to smash a bottle of Jack Daniels and slit your own throat right there in your own living room! But fear not. The Metal Gods know the way.
The trick is to ease her into it. You need to find a carrot to draw her out of the dark cave of “C” and into the light of Metal. The carrot we suggest is the
power ballad. To begin, start slipping a few “Every Rose Has It’s Thorns” amongst her “C” tunes and a little “Kiss me Deadly” between the Faith Hill slow jams. Then, over time increase their frequency, take out some of the “C” and begin working in some Van Halen and Quiet Riot. Lastly, once she has had ample time to adjust, begin peppering the mix with Judas Priest, Dio and Black Sabbath. Before you know it you will have the “metal wife” you desire. And the best part is she’ll think it was all her idea, which is the secret to success with the fairer sex.
So remember, in the Words of Stryper from the song “The Reign”:
“A Heart filled with greed is planting a seed with no shame.”
WWMGD
