6th
Deprived Child
Dear Metal Gods,
I am a young deprived child whose parents hate her. I had the chance to go to Aruba (where I have never been) but no my parents decided to be selfish and not let me go! They claim it’s because they couldn’t go a week with out me….yeah right! I don’t believe them at all! My parents never let me go anywhere. I could be in Aruba right now or even the Dominican Republic! PLEASE help me! I don’t know what else to do besides telling my parents that I hate them everyday.
Deprived Child
Dear Deprived Child,
The Metal Gods have discussed your case at great length and have decided that you are correct, your parents do indeed hate you. What else could explain their horrid behavior? Could it be that these vacations come up when you’re supposed to be in school getting an education? NO! Could it be that these trips just cost too much and your poor overworked parents can’t afford them? NO! Could it be that you’ve been a pain and don’t deserve to go? NO! The only feasible explanation is that your parents simply hate you!
Dear, dear child there is only one path out of this forest of ill-will, and that is the golden path of divorce. You must divorce your parents now. They are clearly ruining your childhood. You deserve to be loved! You deserve to travel! You deserve to have plenty of money in your pockets! You deserve to have all the privileges of an adult and none of the responsibilities! Divorce! Divorce! Divorce! It’s the only answer! But you should stop telling your parents that you hate them every day, it won’t look very good in court.
Remember in the Words of the Metal God Lizzy Borden from the song “(Wake Up) Time to Die”:
“The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long”
WWMGD
www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com
