31st
Tears of Metal
Dude, my girlfriend broke up with me today because last night she wanted to listen to Winger while we did it and I put on “Hung, Drawn and Quarted” by Raven. Then when I came, we were doing it doggy-style, so I pulled out and yelled “Demon Seed Be Gone!” in my best King Diamond scream. She comes from a pretty strict christian family and was totally pissed at me and left this morning. So what do I need to do to get her back? I really love her, but not enough to listen to Bon Jovi and that crap.
Help,
Crying Metal Tears
Dear Crying,
There comes a time in every man’s life when he finds himself at a crossroads, and for you it’s the unfortunate intersection of love and Bon Jovi. Which way to go? What’s best right now? What’s the best thing for the long run? How will you ever know if you made the right choice? Will there be regrets?
So many questions, so many sleepless nights!
Let us consider your options:
Behind door number one you have a life of love, support, Bon Jovi, missionary sex, strict religious in-laws, and a girl who storms out of the room at the first King Diamond scream she hears.
Behind door number two you have lust, excitement, metal, crazy stripper sex, freedom and the occasional trip to the clinic.
What to do, you ask? Just listen to the Metal Gods.
Begin by drawaing the shades in your room and turning your black light on. Sit comfortably, making sure your spine is erect and your eyes are closed. Take a deep breath in, hold it for a few seconds and gently let it out. Now visualize all of the Metal Gods who have guided you to this place and thank them for accompanying you on your journey by making the sign of the devil with your right hand. Start to repeat the following zen question from the Metal Gods White Lion:
“Are you fed up with your boring life?”
Let these sage words seep out of your mouth and then savor the silence that follows. Try to “think” from your heart, not from your head. Let your intuition lead the way. After some time you will feel answers begin to surface. You may be surprised, startled, or disgusted by what you encounter, but when you enounter the ugly truth you will know it.
Once you have found your answer, once again bring to mind all of the Metal Gods who have guided you and thank them this time by making the sign of the devil with your left hand. Take a deep breath in, hold it for a few seconds and gently let it out. Slowly open your eyes refreshed, renewed, and invigorated knowing that you now have your answer.
What Would A Metal God Do?
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