WWMGD

Worried

Dear Metal Gods,
My long-haired metal head boyfriend recently moved to Hollywood to pursue his musical career.  He practices all day everyday, and attends Musicians’ Institute right on Hollywood Blvd.  I’m up here in San Francisco, and I can’t help but think that sluts, booze, and drugs are inevitable.  Am I wrong?

Worried


Dear Worried,
     The Metal Gods are happy to inform you that you are NOT wrong! Sluts, Booze and Drugs are inevitable!
Here are the facts, my dear:

1. He is a young musician dude.
2. He is a young musician dude who will be hanging out on Hollywood Blvd.
3. 88.5% of sluts like young musician dudes that hang out on Hollywood Blvd.
4. Of the 88.5% of sluts that like young musician dudes that hang out on Hollywood Blvd. 100% of them use booze in order to get said young musician dudes to sleep with them.
5. Of the 100% of the 88.5% of sluts that like young musician dudes that hang out on Hollywood Blvd. and use booze in order to get said young musician dudes to sleep with them, 78% of them still need a bit more help to close the deal so they introduce drugs into the equation to get the young musician dudes to forget their girlfriends back at home.

As you so precisely stated it is inevitable, BUT that does not mean you are without hope!

The Metal Gods advise you to take up a multi-tiered offensive immediately!

• Part 1 - Lock him in his room.
  In order to cut down the incidents of temptation you must begin stressing to him how hard it is to “make it”, you must convince him to stay focused on his craft, and that his only shot at “making it” is to stay in his room practicing 18 hours a day.
• Part 2- Unload his gun.
  Being that you can’t get ride of all of the incidents of temptation you must do all you can to quell his sexual urges. You must engage in near constant phone sex to keep him satisfied. You must become a sexual goddess in his mind, thus making it less likely that he will wander off the path.
• Part 3- Don’t be a pain in the ass.
  Don’t bug him by constantly asking where he’s been, or whom he’s been with. The more you nag him the more he’s going to resent you, and the more likely it is he’ll get drunk and hook up with a slut.

Remember, in the words of the Metal Gods Alice Cooper from the song “King of the Silver Screen”:
“I like makeup and dresses and Hollywood. I’ll make somebody a great little wife.”

What Would A Metal God Do?
www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com