3rd
Heap of Metal
Dear Metal Gods:
I am a long time metal head who is now on the brink of turning 40. It has been more than 20 years since I hung up my thunderous bass (which I could barely play but still made me awesome) and I find myself a tired entrepreneur in a very un-sexy business. The riches I had planned to amass by taking the “practical” route in life have yet to materialize. I decided against the “get rich rockin’ or at least have fun along the way” path but am no better off as I enter middle age.
I can’t help but feel regret over being too much of a pansy to really try to be a monster of metal. What should I do now? Is it too late to fly with my sad wings of destiny?
-Grounded Heap of Metal
Dear Grounded Heap of Metal,
A man comes upon many crossroads in his life and the decisions he makes at these crossroads throw into motion countless repercussive waves that stream out in all directions for all of eternity. Your choice to hang up your thunderous bass and take the practical route is only one of many missteps you’ve undoubtedly made in this life.
Have you missed your chance to fly with your sad wings of destiny? Yes, yes you have. It is regrettable but it is the truth.
What should you do now? The answer is simple:
You must never look back again. From this point on the Metal Gods command you to only look forward!
Forget all of your youthful hopes, dreams and aspirations; they will only continue to erode what little hope you have left.
Forget your plans of sleeping with lingerie models and touring the world as a monster of metal, for it shall not happen.
Forget all the of the girls you never had the balls to ask out in high school even if time has taken its greedy toll on them and they are hitting you on facebook every night as they watch Dr. Phil re-runs and eat Cheetos. Forget becoming so rich you can fly your gold-plated helicopter over to your own private island.
None of these things can ever cross your mind again!
Instead you must focus on finding something new that will give your existence meaning. A new dream that will act as a beacon of hope to guide your weather beaten ship of a life into the safe harbors of satisfaction and fulfillment. Either do as the Metal Gods say or continue to live the slow death of the life that you are currently living.
In the words of the Metal Gods Electric Angels from the song “Head Above Water”:
“Some of my friends are dead, others have just stopped living.”
What Would A Metal God Do?
