WWMGD

Sex Kitty

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 01:27:31 -0400

Dear Metal Gods,

When do I tell my boyfriend I’m super in love with him for the first time without sounding like a complete cheeseball?

Sincerely,
Sex Kitty

Dear Sex Kitty,

To discover when the best time to tell your boyfriend you love him is, you must first answer this question: when would you like him to tell you? Would it be at a romantic dinner? Or while watching a beautiful sunset? Or would it be as you are laying there safe in his arms basking in the inxoticating after-glow of the physical expression of your love? Ah, the last one you say? We thought so…… who wouldn’t you ask?

He wouldn’t!

The Metal Gods are here to inform you that all of the above mentioned situations (espically the last one) are TERRIBLE times for you to tell your boyfriend you’re “super in love with him” for the first time. An absolutely terrible idea! Quite possibly your worst idea in a long string of terrible ideas!

You see, when it comes to the relations between the sexes you need to do the opposite of what you would want done. You need to think about when HE would want to be told that you love him, NOT when YOU would want to be told!

So when would he want to hear it? Easily asnwered. What does your boyfriend like the most? SEX. No, no, no, not long walks on the beach or visting your parents for yet another awkward dinner at three in the afternoon on Sunday, no, no, just stop it. He likes SEX the best, but NEVER NEVER NEVER tell him for the first time AFTER you have sex with him! You must tell him just as you’re about to give him SEX, for right there is your golden moment of opportunity. In that instant he will be delighted to hear anything out of your mouth that doesn’t include the words “no”, “stop” or “STD”.

In the words of The Metal Gods Ratt from the song “The Morning After”:
“Lift your skirt lady, high in the night. I’m just what you need, Won’t you give it a try?”

WWMGD
www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Whacked in China

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 05:40:00 -0400

Dear Metal Gods,
I’m going to china. I’ve been suffering from disordered eating for years and am finally getting the hang of it. But now that I’m getting the hang of it, I have to move to a new country with none of the food I currently eat readily available. This is driving me nuts because I’m scared I’ll fall off the wagon, get really fat, and then be so miserable I will want to kill myself.

Sincerely,
whack

Dear Whack,
The ignorance of youth is truly the sweetest bliss. So much time and energy wasted on nothing. You see, are looking at this problem completely wrong. You don’t seem to understand that this move is best thing to ever happen to you.
You see, you believe that you will move to China and be cornered by Panda Express and P.F. Chang’s. You imagine you will have no other choices and will be seduced by barrels of sweet and sour sauce, tempted by the deep fried goodness of general Tao’s chicken, and overwhelmed by the mountains of yummy fortune cookies staring at you saying, “Come hither, just one little bite won’t hurt”.

Well, the Metal Gods are here to tell you none of this will happen.
Why not, you ask?
Silly silly child, because the deep fried, over salted, over sugared, cheap meat, MSG-laden slop that these restaurants serve in America bear little resemblance to actual Chinese food served in China.

You see my dear, in China vegetables are emphasized as the main part of a meal, the dishes are not “flash” cooked in vats of old oil, and the meal is usually served with green tea (which originated in China). Thus you should have no troubles in China. Except for that whole Communist government, state-run media, no free speech, no human rights, disappearing journalist stuff, it should be a breeze.

From the song “I’m Insane” by the Metal Gods Ratt, we prescribe you the following daily affirmation to ease the transition to you new country:
“I’m headed for Lobotomy, and I’m begging them for more”

WWMGD

http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Passion or Stability

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 16:30:55 -0400

Dear Metal Gods,
I have been in a serious relationship for 5 years. it kinda started out with not the best chemistry, but everything else was great. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship so I thought that I just wasn’t into sex at that time or something and decided to be with this guy and hope that the future would bring us closer together physically.

I really love him very much, but there is no passion in our relationship. I have come to the point where all I think about is if I should stay with him where I am loved, and I will be safe, and have a good life with not a lot of sex, and not a lot of passion because I love him so much and don’t want to lose him. Or do I leave him and to find the passion I am looking for? Older people tell me that the passion eventually leaves, and a friendship is what remains.

Also, my man has a very hard time letting me go, I have tried breaking up and as weird as it sounds it doesn’t work. It probably doesn’t work because I am not fully into breaking up with him. I hate the thought of losing him, but I also hate the thought of secretly not being happy, or wanting to fuck every guy I meet. So do I figure out a way to make this work, or do I go? Help me metal gods. I don’t know that I will ever in my life find such a good man, and I tend to be attracted to losers. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Passion or Stability?

Dear Passion or Stability?,

Ahhh, the eternal struggle between love and lust once again acts out its sorted play upon the stage of humanity. Throughout the ages mortals have turned to the Metal Gods with the hope that we will give them the secret to bring peace between these warring brothers. But it is not that simple and we must confess it is not a problem that we have ever experienced, you see we Metal Gods have a much more… shall we say “evolved” attitude toward commitment and relationships. We have women that we love and women that we just lust after; the former remind us of our mothers, and the later are mostly strippers.
But alas we are not here to judge, it seems we are here to help you with your puritanical little messes.
So here it is. There is only one course of action to take. You must split up for four months and abide by the following rules:

#1 -There shall be no communication between the two of you of any sort during this time!
No calling, emailing, texting, Im’ing, twittering, facebooking, sending messages through friends, NO direct or indirect communication of any kind, for any reason.

#2 - You shall sow your wild oats.
Sleep with whatever guys you want, get drunk and make out with one of your girlfriends, be the sex goddess you want to be.

#3 - He shall remain completely abstinent during this break.
No sexual contact with anyone at all for the full four months.

This will accomplish three things:
#1 - By being completely cut off from each other you will learn if you really love and need each other or it’s just a relationship of convenience.
#2 - By exercising your lust you will find out if there is indeed a lack of chemistry between you two or if you are just using him as an excuse for your own lack of sexual desire and competence.
#3 - If at the end four months of no sexual contact he’s not ripping off your clothes he’s either gay or needs to see a medical doctor immediately.

Remember in the words of the Metal Gods Van Halen from the song “Everybody Wants Some”:
“You can’t get romantic on a subway line, conductor don’t like it, says you’re wastin’ your time”

WWMGD

http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Jon + Kate Conflicted

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 19:36:48 -0400

Dear Metal Gods,
Recently, I have been experiencing a crisis of conscience regarding my fandom of the television reality series Jon and Kate + 8. It is sort of the embodiment of all of my worst fears (imagine having 6 babies growing inside you and then having to take care of them for the rest of your life!?) but also, I’m kind of attached to the children as I feel like I’ve known them since they were 2 (they are 5 now).

When I first started watching the show I really loved it as it was interesting to watch people who were experiencing a totally different life from me navigate through their daily trials. Also, the kids were super cute and it’s been fascinating to watch their personalities evolve.

However, recently, it has become clear to be that the children are being exploited (though perhaps not intentionally so) and I worry that this much of their private lives (such as potty training) being made public will come back to haunt them later in life.
Also, it seems to me like Jon and Kate, who originally started with the best of intentions, have actually made a deal with the devil and in exchange for fame and fortune for themselves and their children they are unknowingly sacrificing their marriage and jeopardizing their future relationships with their children, as well as their children’s mental and physical health.

I worry that watching this show makes me a hypocrite as I am not a fan of exploitation of children or adults, and I feel that by giving them my time and I attention I am only fattening their pocketbook and thereby contributing to what will clearly end only in tears for all concerned.

The whole thing feels so biblical or Greek to me; doesn’t anyone recognize that this is clearly a morality tale, a warning to be careful what you wish for? And more importantly, do I have a moral obligation to stop watching the show? What should I do?

Sincerely,

Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

Oh, what must it be like adrift in the dark stormy seas of your mind? How must it feel to be tossed and thrown about like a worn out rag doll by every fleeting thought and manic delusion? Good Metal God woman just how do you keep your head above the rising tide of your own neurotic manifestations? The Metal Gods read your question and worry not about these plus eight people but about you!

What should I do, about people on the TV?…That is what you ask The Metal Gods?!

The question is not what TO do but what NOT to do and not about the TV people but about you!

Don’t you realize you’re slipping off a thinning tight rope of sanity! Don’t you see the dark chasm of despair waiting for you below?

You must learn to control your undisciplined mind! You must tame that meddling genie and put it back in its bottle!

There is only one road of hope for you, only one course of action. You must starve that raging beast that is your mind into submission.

Thus, from now on: No more plus eight people, no more celebrity blah blah blah reality TV show, no more “My dad is a female transgender one armed priest midget prostitute,” and most importantly no more expending time and energy on people you meet on the TV!!!! The Metal Gods repeat: NO MORE EXPENDING TIME AND ENERGY ON PEOPLE YOU MEET ON THE TV!!!!!

Only if you break your addiction to shinny, loud, distracting, and empty things will you ever have even a remote chance for sanity.

In the words of the great Metal God Ronnie James Dio from the song “Don’t talk to Strangers”:

“Don’t dance in darkness you may stumble and you’re sure to fall”

WWMGD

http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Frustrated

Wed, 27 May 2009 17:20:25 -0400

Dear metal gods,
my roommate is being completely unreasonable. Her boyfriend is over every weekend, but I’m not allowed to have guests…ever (I had my girlfriend stay over one night and she totally flipped out on us the next day). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind that her boyfriend is here, I just want to have the same privilege. What should I do?

—frustrated

Dear Frustrated,
You sound like a sweet, unassuming, reasonable young man, and that is precisely your problem.
That, along with the fact that it is so easy for you mortals to assume everyone else is doing you wrong — she does this, he doesn’t do that… blah, blah, blah, that’s why my life isn’t exactly as I expected it to be blah, blah, blah… if you could only hear the constant drone of blame and complaints that we Metal Gods have to endure!

But alas, under our studded exterior we Metal Gods are a sympathetic kind so we will help you.
Here it is: your problem is not your roomate, your problem is you.
You must look inside yourself and determine why you think it’s ok for this person to treat you this way. Why is it ok with you that someone shackel your life with such demeaning rules and regulations?
Are you not worthy of the same privileges as she? Is your life and happiness in some way less important? Are you here merely to fill space?
Put another way, you need to grow a pair and stick up for yourself! You were not born into this life for the likes of her to wipe her feet on.
Once you respect and value yourself others will follow in your example and the problem will be solved by evolving yourself, not by trying to change another.

Your prescription from the Metal Gods is as follows:
Every morning when you wake and every evening before you pass out you need to look in the mirror, lock eyes with yourself and repeat the following affirmation of the Metal God Lita Ford from her song, “Kiss of Death”:
“I have no mercy, I tell no lies, I kiss the stranger and then watch them die”

WWMGD

www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

The Void

Mon, 04 May 2009 14:10:53 -0400

Dear Metal Gods,
I’m looking for insight into a phenomenon found in young males between the ages of 14 or so to at least 30 (I’m sure it stretches beyond that but I can’t personally claim any first hand knowledge). I refer to this phenomenon as “disappearing into the Void”. Where do they go, when you have dinner plans and they fail to show up and then don’t answer your calls or text messages for a year? And then they suddenly reach out and act as if no time has passed at all? What are they thinking?

Occasionally, when I receive a message from the Void, I try and lure said male back to reality by promising all sorts of delightful things, and the vast majority of the time even the most tempting offers don’t seem to have any effect.

When they are ready they emerge from the Void, and frequently have no concept of how much time has lapsed (“Its been a year since we last hung out? No, that can’t be right….”). What are they doing there, and what is so alluring that all my offers of fun and pleasure can’t induce them out of it? Do they really not understand how long its been, or are they merely saying that in an attempt to get out of trouble?

It is a mystery to me, but it is a mystery I have begun to accept as a reality— if only I could understand what was going on there a little better. Maybe then I could approach the Void with more understanding and less rage?

please help.

Still On Planet Earth

Dear Still on Planet Earth,

It is clear to the Metal Gods that you have thought and thought and thought and discussed and thought and thought and considered and thought and thought and extrapolated and thought and thought and thought about this problem for far too long. You have dissected it down to it’s cellular level. Yet, clarity still alludes you?
The problem here is that you’re personal mix of neuroses and intelligence are leading you further from the truth instead of closer to it.
But fear not, the Metal Gods have taken pity upon you and have decided to tell you the simple truth about the Void.
Here it is, not to be fretted over, not to be discussed, and definitely not to be thought and thought and thought about.
OK….Deep breath….Here we go:
Some dudes are super flaky and unaware that their actions have any impact on anyone outside the realm of their own ego or immediate self interest.

No, No, No stop it!…Stop that crushing wave of thinking that is about to consume you! The Metal Gods can hear your mental gears grinding and see the smoke coming out of your ears from here.
Once again here it is: Some dudes are super flaky and unaware that their actions have any impact on anyone outside the realm of their own ego or immediate self interest.

You see it’s not that they dislike you, want to hurt you, or that you have do anything wrong it’s just that:
Some dudes are super flaky and unaware that their actions have any impact on anyone outside the realm of their own ego or immediate self interest.
It is simple, don’t make it complex, the Void doesn’t hate you, it’s just too self-involved to know you’re there.

In order to help sooth the choppy seas of your mental anguish The Metal Gods suggest you repeat the following sage Daily Affirmation first uttered by Metal Gods Ratt in their song “I’m Insane”:
“I’m heading for lobotomy, and I’m begging them for more”

WWMGD

http://www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Cross-Eyed

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:02:35 -0400

Dear Metal Gods:
I am confused. Why are boys so stupid? They send mixed signals such as: Taking me out to fancy expensive dinners and then seeming disinterested in making out. Finding excuses to hang with me but then inviting other people along at the last minute. Saying sexually suggestive things and following that up with a reluctant “ok” to driving me home.

What is this? My friends suggest maybe he’s just clueless but it’s hard for me to believe even a boy could be that stupid. What do I do, metal gods? Me and a million other young women need to know.

love,
cross-eyed (Cross-eyed on behalf of a generation of baffled, angry, ladies)

Dear Cross-Eyed,

The Metal Gods can solve your dilemma in two simple steps:

Step #1:Stop dating boys who are gay, they are NOT interested in what you have in your pants.
Step #2: Repeat Step #1.

In the Words of the Metal Gods Judas Priest from their song “Eat Me Alive”
“I’m gonna force you at gun point to eat me alive”

WWMGD

www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Fat & Alone

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 23:05:00 -0400

Dear Metal God,
I try to live my life by the metal code. I go to shows, I rock out, I have even supported the ex boyfriends ass while he got his music career together. Somewhere along the line I crossed the line of rock chick to groupie and am now currently 6 months pregnant. Daddy to be is a rocker. I really don’t want to mess up his plans for his band (and also his girlfriend) by telling him. Am I being selfish by leaving him out of the picture and supporting this child myself?

Please help
Fat & alone

Dear Fat and Alone,
Although The Metal Gods have the answers to all of your problems we will not be sharing them with you. You see there is one law that even we the Metal Gods are not above. It is the law of “Metalious-Groupius-Sanctum” which states “No Metal Gods shall ever interfere in sacred relations between a metal guy and his groupie.” Punishment for violating this law is being stripped of one’s Metal God status and being placed amongst the mortals damned to live out a meaningless existence singing show tune versions of Milli Vanilli songs in an Ohio public theater group for the elderly and dentally challenged.

So remember, in the words of the Metal Gods Slayer from the song “Face the Slayer”:
“I am alive, you can’t kill me / I will survive eternity”

What Would A Metal God Do?

www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Heap of Metal

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 22:55:28 -0500

Dear Metal Gods:

I am a long time metal head who is now on the brink of turning 40. It has been more than 20 years since I hung up my thunderous bass (which I could barely play but still made me awesome) and I find myself a tired entrepreneur in a very un-sexy business. The riches I had planned to amass by taking the “practical” route in life have yet to materialize. I decided against the “get rich rockin’ or at least have fun along the way” path but am no better off as I enter middle age.

I can’t help but feel regret over being too much of a pansy to really try to be a monster of metal. What should I do now? Is it too late to fly with my sad wings of destiny?

-Grounded Heap of Metal

Dear Grounded Heap of Metal,

A man comes upon many crossroads in his life and the decisions he makes at these crossroads throw into motion countless repercussive waves that stream out in all directions for all of eternity. Your choice to hang up your thunderous bass and take the practical route is only one of many missteps you’ve undoubtedly made in this life.

Have you missed your chance to fly with your sad wings of destiny? Yes, yes you have. It is regrettable but it is the truth.

What should you do now? The answer is simple:

You must never look back again. From this point on the Metal Gods command you to only look forward!

Forget all of your youthful hopes, dreams and aspirations; they will only continue to erode what little hope you have left.

Forget your plans of sleeping with lingerie models and touring the world as a monster of metal, for it shall not happen.

Forget all the of the girls you never had the balls to ask out in high school even if time has taken its greedy toll on them and they are hitting you on facebook every night as they watch Dr. Phil re-runs and eat Cheetos. Forget becoming so rich you can fly your gold-plated helicopter over to your own private island.

None of these things can ever cross your mind again!

Instead you must focus on finding something new that will give your existence meaning. A new dream that will act as a beacon of hope to guide your weather beaten ship of a life into the safe harbors of satisfaction and fulfillment. Either do as the Metal Gods say or continue to live the slow death of the life that you are currently living.

In the words of the Metal Gods Electric Angels from the song “Head Above Water”:

“Some of my friends are dead, others have just stopped living.”

What Would A Metal God Do?

www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Mike Daly Reveals the Wisdom of the Metal Gods On Headbangers Blog!

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 13:50:21 -0500

http://headbangersblog.mtv.com/2009/01/19/guest-blog-whiskeytown-co-founder-mike-daly-explains-how-he-acquired-wisdom-of-the-metal-gods/

Worried

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 03:03:33 -0500

Dear Metal Gods,
My long-haired metal head boyfriend recently moved to Hollywood to pursue his musical career. He practices all day everyday, and attends Musicians’ Institute right on Hollywood Blvd. I’m up here in San Francisco, and I can’t help but think that sluts, booze, and drugs are inevitable. Am I wrong?

Worried

Dear Worried,
The Metal Gods are happy to inform you that you are NOT wrong! Sluts, Booze and Drugs are inevitable!
Here are the facts, my dear:

He is a young musician dude.
He is a young musician dude who will be hanging out on Hollywood Blvd.
88.5% of sluts like young musician dudes that hang out on Hollywood Blvd.
Of the 88.5% of sluts that like young musician dudes that hang out on Hollywood Blvd. 100% of them use booze in order to get said young musician dudes to sleep with them.
Of the 100% of the 88.5% of sluts that like young musician dudes that hang out on Hollywood Blvd. and use booze in order to get said young musician dudes to sleep with them, 78% of them still need a bit more help to close the deal so they introduce drugs into the equation to get the young musician dudes to forget their girlfriends back at home.

As you so precisely stated it is inevitable, BUT that does not mean you are without hope!

The Metal Gods advise you to take up a multi-tiered offensive immediately!

Part 1 - Lock him in his room.
In order to cut down the incidents of temptation you must begin stressing to him how hard it is to “make it”, you must convince him to stay focused on his craft, and that his only shot at “making it” is to stay in his room practicing 18 hours a day.
Part 2- Unload his gun.
Being that you can’t get ride of all of the incidents of temptation you must do all you can to quell his sexual urges. You must engage in near constant phone sex to keep him satisfied. You must become a sexual goddess in his mind, thus making it less likely that he will wander off the path.
Part 3- Don’t be a pain in the ass.
Don’t bug him by constantly asking where he’s been, or whom he’s been with. The more you nag him the more he’s going to resent you, and the more likely it is he’ll get drunk and hook up with a slut.

Remember, in the words of the Metal Gods Alice Cooper from the song “King of the Silver Screen”:
“I like makeup and dresses and Hollywood. I’ll make somebody a great little wife.”

What Would A Metal God Do?
www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Bad Attitude

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 18:36:00 -0500

Dear Metal Gods,
My husband didn’t tell his work that we are going on vacation to the Caribbean next week so he is bringing his laptop! How fun does that sound?! And the best part is that even if I am not around him while he is actually working I will get the joy of hearing all about his lame-ass, glass ½ empty, bullshit drama while I am on vacation.
Please tell me what a metal god would do in this situation.
Thanks -

Bad Attitude

Dear Bad Attitude,

The Metal Gods have a question for you…. Did you bother to ask your husband why he didn’t tell his work about your trip? Could it be that in these tough economic times he’s in danger of getting fired for taking a vacation while his company struggles to survive? And could it be that his fear of disappointing you by getting fired has robbed him of the last few scraps of self respect and manhood he has left since you’ve destroyed all else with your constant criticisms, need for opulence, and emotional unavailability?

Maybe? Just Maybe? No, you say? Not you! You say you’re the very definition of love and compassion?….
Well then riddle me this “Bad Attiude”.. Why would any self respecting woman stay in such a dysfunctional relationship as this? It’s a negative, shallow, bewildering, co-dependent farse based on who can be the bigger “victim” at any given point.

What would the Metal Gods suggest you do?
#1 Turn off The View and stop talking to your cats. Your every fleeting emotion doesn’t actually have any effect on the universe.
#2 You should both get the hell away from each other before one of you winds up in prison for killing the other.

In the words the Metal Gods Iron Maiden from the song “The Prisoner”
“If you kill me it’s self-defense, IF I kill you then I call it Vengeance.”

What Would A Metal God Do?
www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

"'Metal Gods' Author Reveals Rock's Inspirational Power" from Asylum

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 02:43:13 -0500

"'Metal Gods' Author Reveals Rock's Inspirational Power" from Asylum

Tears of Metal

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 03:28:28 -0500

Dude, my girlfriend broke up with me today because last night she wanted to listen to Winger while we did it and I put on “Hung, Drawn and Quarted” by Raven. Then when I came, we were doing it doggy-style, so I pulled out and yelled “Demon Seed Be Gone!” in my best King Diamond scream. She comes from a pretty strict christian family and was totally pissed at me and left this morning. So what do I need to do to get her back? I really love her, but not enough to listen to Bon Jovi and that crap.
Help,
Crying Metal Tears

Dear Crying,
There comes a time in every man’s life when he finds himself at a crossroads, and for you it’s the unfortunate intersection of love and Bon Jovi. Which way to go? What’s best right now? What’s the best thing for the long run? How will you ever know if you made the right choice? Will there be regrets?
So many questions, so many sleepless nights!

Let us consider your options:
Behind door number one you have a life of love, support, Bon Jovi, missionary sex, strict religious in-laws, and a girl who storms out of the room at the first King Diamond scream she hears.
Behind door number two you have lust, excitement, metal, crazy stripper sex, freedom and the occasional trip to the clinic.

What to do, you ask? Just listen to the Metal Gods.

Begin by drawaing the shades in your room and turning your black light on. Sit comfortably, making sure your spine is erect and your eyes are closed. Take a deep breath in, hold it for a few seconds and gently let it out. Now visualize all of the Metal Gods who have guided you to this place and thank them for accompanying you on your journey by making the sign of the devil with your right hand. Start to repeat the following zen question from the Metal Gods White Lion:

“Are you fed up with your boring life?”

Let these sage words seep out of your mouth and then savor the silence that follows. Try to “think” from your heart, not from your head. Let your intuition lead the way. After some time you will feel answers begin to surface. You may be surprised, startled, or disgusted by what you encounter, but when you enounter the ugly truth you will know it.

Once you have found your answer, once again bring to mind all of the Metal Gods who have guided you and thank them this time by making the sign of the devil with your left hand. Take a deep breath in, hold it for a few seconds and gently let it out. Slowly open your eyes refreshed, renewed, and invigorated knowing that you now have your answer.

What Would A Metal God Do?
www.timeflieswhenyourinacoma.com

Deprived Child

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 21:58:00 -0500

Dear Metal Gods,

I am a young deprived child whose parents hate her. I had the chance to go to Aruba (where I have never been) but no my parents decided to be selfish and not let me go! They claim it’s because they couldn’t go a week with out me….yeah right! I don’t believe them at all! My parents never let me go anywhere. I could be in Aruba right now or even the Dominican Republic! PLEASE help me! I don’t know what else to do besides telling my parents that I hate them everyday.

Deprived Child

Dear Deprived Child,

The Metal Gods have discussed your case at great length and have decided that you are correct, your parents do indeed hate you. What else could explain their horrid behavior? Could it be that these vacations come up when you’re supposed to be in school getting an education? NO! Could it be that these trips just cost too much and your poor overworked parents can’t afford them? NO! Could it be that you’ve been a pain and don’t deserve to go? NO! The only feasible explanation is that your parents simply hate you!

Dear, dear child there is only one path out of this forest of ill-will, and that is the golden path of divorce. You must divorce your parents now. They are clearly ruining your childhood. You deserve to be loved! You deserve to travel! You deserve to have plenty of money in your pockets! You deserve to have all the privileges of an adult and none of the responsibilities! Divorce! Divorce! Divorce! It’s the only answer! But you should stop telling your parents that you hate them every day, it won’t look very good in court.

Remember in the Words of the Metal God Lizzy Borden from the song “(Wake Up) Time to Die”:
“The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long”

WWMGD
www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Old-School Metal Man

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:50:28 -0500

I’m an old school metal man. I cut my teeth on Judas Priest, Sabbath, Dio, and Budgie. I found myself 48 and wanting a life. So I married my high school sweetheart. She is into country! I’ve been taking her to RUSH shows to make the transition to real Metal easier but she is resisting. Any ideas of how to kill the country out of her? AC/DC is touring!

Dear Old School Metal Man,

The Metal Gods are flooded with questions about domestic problems, the most disturbing of which are the ones that include the “C” word: Country. Before the Metal Gods help you, you must be forewarned that this is a dangerous transformation you’re attempting on your wife; a transformation that could go horribly, horribly wrong. One mis-step and you could wind up worse off than you are now! Imagine a wife who likes some abomination of music worse than Country! Yes you read that correctly - “WORSE THAN COUNRTY”! What if you came home after a hard day of work to your wife cranking some White-Christian-Drum Circle-Funk! Good Metal Gods what would you do? Why, you’d have no choice but to smash a bottle of Jack Daniels and slit your own throat right there in your own living room! But fear not. The Metal Gods know the way.

The trick is to ease her into it. You need to find a carrot to draw her out of the dark cave of “C” and into the light of Metal. The carrot we suggest is the
power ballad. To begin, start slipping a few “Every Rose Has It’s Thorns” amongst her “C” tunes and a little “Kiss me Deadly” between the Faith Hill slow jams. Then, over time increase their frequency, take out some of the “C” and begin working in some Van Halen and Quiet Riot. Lastly, once she has had ample time to adjust, begin peppering the mix with Judas Priest, Dio and Black Sabbath. Before you know it you will have the “metal wife” you desire. And the best part is she’ll think it was all her idea, which is the secret to success with the fairer sex.

So remember, in the Words of Stryper from the song “The Reign”:

“A Heart filled with greed is planting a seed with no shame.”

WWMGD

www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Metal Traitor

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 23:20:02 -0500

Dear Metal Traitor,

Your answer to “Worth Fighting For” was a bogus misuse of your metal powers. You exposed one of our metal brothers to his not so smart girlfriend. Our tactics in maintaining unhealthy relationships must stay among us. How are we supposed to play with woman’s minds and get them to pay our rent and continue to sleep with us (even when we don’t have jobs) if you continue to give advice like this? Very un-metal of you (more Counting Crows actually). BEWARE! Like all Gods we can decide to not worship you.

In the words of Judas Priest from the song Electric Eye

“Up here in space, I’m looking down on you, my lasers trace everything you do!”

Sincerely,
Real Metal Dude

Dear “Poser”,

HOW DARE YOU THREATEN THE METAL GODS?! Have you lost your secretly George Michael loving mind?!! Do you really believe it wise to threaten the all-powerful Metal Gods?!! The very Gods that provide you with the only small sliver of joy you experience in that filthy mess of an existence you call a life? Your stupidity truly knows no bounds.

Furthermore your “tricks for dumb chicks” disgust us. You are a life form existing somewhere between the maggot and the cast of The Hills (the maggot being the more evolved of the two).

You are hereby ex-communicated by the Metal Gods! From this moment forth the Metal Gods shall no longer help, guide, or have mercy upon you. Furthermore, the Metal Gods now release a never-ending plague of havoc, despair and pain upon your life.

In the words of the Metal Gods Slayer from the song “Show No Mercy”:

“You pray your god will help, his strength no match for mine,

Your last hope slips away, thy soul begins to bleed,

I tear your flesh to shreds, burn holes throughout your mind.”

What Would A Metal God Do?

Time Flies When You're in A Coma Available Today!

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 15:40:36 -0400

Dear Children of Metal,

Time Flies When You’re in A Coma: The Wisdom of the Metal Gods is available today at all Book Stores! In these troubling times you NEED Time Flies When You’re in A Coma in order to survive. Buy Time Flies When You’re in A Coma or suffer the consequences!

www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Worth Fighting For

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 20:40:50 -0400

Dear Metal Gods,

My boyfriend wants to go forward in our relationship but he is racked with guilt over his divorce- which was 6 years ago! Sometimes he is romantic and lavishes me with attention and other times he’ll go days without calling me. How do I deal with this? Do I wait it out and if so, for how long? He’s a great guy and I think this relationship is worth fighting for!

Dear “Worth Fighting For”,
The Metal Gods call bullshit on your “boyfriend”. My dear, you are being played as smoothly as Yngwie Malmsteen plays a shredding arpeggio.
Here are the facts:
#1: Your boyfriend is not racked with guilt over his divorce because it is totally impossible for any man to feel guilt for longer than 6 months let alone 6 years.
Do you not see that this is a thinly veiled ploy to manipulate your sympathies?
Don’t you understand that by buying into this you’re just providing the weasel with a “get out of jail free card”?…. boo hoo I got divorced so instead of meeting your parents I have to go to the strip club with my friends…..boo…hooo..cry me river of D-cup tears.

#2: Sometimes he lavishes you with attention other times he goes days with out calling you…….hmmm…ponderous…that’s a tough one….hmmmm..oh wait….I think I have the answer!
He is simply making you want him more by ignoring you….yes yes we know that has never worked on a mortal woman before but being that as it may here we are.

#3: You think the relationship is worth fighting for? What relationship? Besides the Olympic gymnastic sessions between your sheets there is no relationship present, let alone one worth fighting for.

You must cut your losses and move on knowing that just as he used his “guilt” to get you, he will be using his newly “broken heart” to snare a new girl in his net of lies.

Keep in mind the words of the Metal Gods Poison from their song “Every Rose has its Thorn”,
“Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song, every rose has its thorn”

WWMGD

www.timeflieswhenyoureinacoma.com

Book Release Party! (make that partIES)

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 00:32:00 -0400

Can’t get enough of Time Flies When You’re in a Coma? Well it’s only getting better! Join us for one - or both - of the book release parties! Details below:

Oct. 30th
7 pm - ???

Book Soup
8818 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90069
(310) 659-3110

All Ages!!
Free Booze and Venom energy drinks!!
Metal God confession booth!!
Guest appearances!!
Pre-Halloween 80’s metal dress up contest!!

Nov. 1
8pm - ???

Angels and Kings
500 E 11th St
New York, NY 10009
(212) 254-4090

21+
Free Booze and Venom Energy drinks!!
Metal God confession booth!!
Guest appearances!!

And don’t forget, Metal fans, you can pick up the book starting October 28, so bring it to the party with you and get it signed by the author!

See you there!